As I Walked Down the Lane...

My dearest Yasmin...

2012-02-15T21:04:00.010+08:00

15 February 2012; 9:05pm

My dearest Yasmin;

I feel that it was just recently that I first hear your cries and hold your two small hands. I know you have sacrificed a lot for me. I was not around when you needed me the most. I missed the opportunity of being with you every steps of the way when you first started school. As much as it was difficult for me to be without you, I am sure it was more difficult for you to grow up without me. I am so sorry for being so selfish. If only I could turn back the time…

Min, I know I am not the best mom in the world. In the beginning I don’t even know how to be a mom. Instead I just follow my instincts on what I thought is best for my children. You have always been so reserved. A lot of the times, I don’t even know what is in your mind. And I guess that is the reason why sometimes it is very difficult for me to reach out to you. Yasmin, I want you to know that you will always have my unconditional love. Whatever I do for you, it is always done out of love. How can I not love you? You are my daughter. As simple as that. Yes, I have scolded you at times. You may wonder why now. In time you will discover that it is my way to protect you from the future that is not going to be so forgiving.

The decision to send you to a boarding school was not the done in a spur of moment. It is one of the hardest decisions that I had to make as a mom. I have given it a long, long thought. I have weighed the options in my head over and over again. When we discussed about it, your reactions were mixed. Sometimes I saw your excitement, but at times I saw your reluctance. Even today, when I actually sent you to the school, I didn’t know what to make out of your expressions.

Yasmin, as a teacher, I always want the best for you. I want you to get the best education; I want you to be exposed to the diversity that you are going to face in the future. I want you to have an inner strength so that you can withstand whatever challenges facing you when I am no longer around. Of course as a mother, I will always have the tendency to protect you from everything that’s hurting you. In truth, my heart bleeds when I said goodbye to you today. It took all my strength to prevent myself from crying in front of you. I pray to Allah so that you are always given a sense on how much I love you. ‘..Come what may, come what may, I will love you until my dying day..’ Whatever I do Min, you will always be in my prayer. And I know Allah will help me protect you in ways that I can never do.

With love;
Mak

Leadership Requires Flexibility

2012-02-04T21:09:00.008+08:00

Physically injured soldiers might still fight, but emotionally injured soldiers will lose the one reason to stay alive. I feel that such thing is true in organizations too. And to make sure that the employees will have the right emotions to accompany their skills, that is when the choice of a leader becomes extremely crucial. It is one thing to govern the system; it is another to govern the people. Which one is more important, one might ask. My answer is always both although I believe that the latter will prove to be more challenging to achieve and more damaging if not considered. A system is normally fixed once decided. But when it comes to people issue, it is often subjective and unpredictable. As I often said in class, emotions can kill. If we are not careful in managing our own emotion and the emotion of others, the consequences might be great. As such, I believe that a good leader will be those who are able to learn, re-learn and at times un-learn. Flexibility in this case is considered a must.

I am a man of fixed and unbending principles, the first of which is to be flexible at all times -Everett Dirksen-

A Word of Advice.

2012-01-26T15:52:00.004+08:00

Throughout my life, I have been given some good advices, intentionally or unintentionally, by the people I encounter. This particular post is meant to thank those who have cared enough to share their words of wisdom with me.

Words of Wisdom 1:
There was this one time that I was very angry at somebody or something. I could not remember what, but it definitely involved a person. I was having tea with my parents after the event and I had sort of suggested bad things that I would do to the person as reciprocation to what had been done to me. And my father immediately said in a very soft tone as if he just wanted me to hear it, ‘Jangan! Biar orang buat kat kita. Jangan kita buat kat orang.” (Roughly translated: People can do bad things to us, but we must never do the same to others.)

Words of Wisdom 2:
When I was having hard times in Reading trying to complete my PhD, one of my friends, Zai, always said this phrase to remind me of my inner strength that I didn’t seem to realize I had in me..“Allah tidak akan menduga kita dengan perkara yang kita tak boleh tanggung.” (Roughly translated: Allah will not test us with the things that we cannot bear.)

Words of Wisdom 3:
I used to be so ambitious at work. Constantly, I felt the need to try many things at the same time especially in the first few years that I was back in the university. In the end I became so stressed in balancing my work and life until the day a good friend of mine, Ann, told me this.. “Dahlia, in the end it is the family that counts. Even if you put so many hours at work, when you die, your employer will still need to search for a replacement. But your family will always miss and remember you. You are irreplaceable to them. So, you choose.”

Words of Wisdom 4:
Once, when we were having tea downstairs, my friend, Reeza, told me that she will always try to buy food sold by people at the petrol stations or restaurants, and so forth. She said, she will buy them and then give to others. That way, she will be able to receive and give at the same time. I think this is not a bad idea at all, don’t you think so?

Actually, in life, we will continuously be offered with advices. It can be good advices, bad advices, or irrelevant advices..depending on how you see them at that point of time. It is up to us whether we want to follow or reject them. Still, for me, I feel assured as long as there are people along the way that are willing to remind me when a reminder is needed. After all, I am a human, and humans tend to forget.

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. ~Erica Jong, How to Save Your Own Life, 1977

I Regret It All My Life

2011-12-28T17:33:00.013+08:00

- Us in Standard 2, 1982 (Azmi is no longer in this picture. His face is just a vague memory in my mind)

In life, we go through many phases. And in life, we discover friendships. As time goes by, I realize that by giving, I am indirectly sharing my life with the people around me. At the same time, I believe by giving, I am also telling my friends how much I appreciate them for all the things that they have done for me. I appreciate them for their sincerities in the friendships they offered to me. I appreciate them for accepting me for who I am and not for what they expect me to be. People sometimes asked me, 'Why do you bother?' To answer that, I have to tell you a story which happened in the past, but transforms my future. This is a true story relating to the events that occurred in 1981 although I only had the guts to put the story in writing in 1994. Those who were in school with me at that time would probably remember how I acted back in those years.

I Regret It All My Life, by Dahlia Zawawi (1994)

Whenever I set my eyes through the windows of my house, there is always one thing that I see..my previous school. Although several changes have been made to the original structure of it, I can still picture myself running, playing and studying there. Throughout the six years which I had spent in that school, there are just too many memories for me to remember them all. But I am sure to recall an incident where I lost a friend. It happened in 1981, when I was in Standard One. My class consisted of about twenty pupils. Years before, the class was not as big as now. It had a small blackboard in front and all twenty chairs and desks were arranged neatly. The teacher’s table was put at one corner of the class with fresh flowers decorated beautifully on it. Because the building was old, you could feel the movement almost everywhere when someone ran in it.

Among my classmates, was this one boy named Azmi who was quite tall, fair and had dark curly hair. My teacher, Puan Rohiah, had him elected as our class monitor. He lived in Taman Sekamat which was not very far from the school and my house. I did not like him because he always scolded my naughty friends and then submitted their names to Puan Rohiah. One day, when I was sitting at my desk, he approached me. We talked for a while and that short meeting made me feel very uneasy. I prayed that he would go away, but unfortunately he did not. From that day onwards, he kept disturbing me. Once, he asked me where I live and he said that he would like to come to my house. At first, I was reluctant to give him my address, but when I saw his gloomy face, I agreed. I kept saying to myself, “What harm could he do to me?” Never at that time had I imagined that my worst nightmare had just begun. It had anyway.

Almost everyday, he would come to my house, riding a bicycle and he would shout my name even though he had not reached my home yet. I was very ashamed with my neighbours especially my best friend who happened to live next door. I wondered what they might think about Azmi. In the beginning, I really thought I would get some support from my mother. Instead, every time he visited me, she invited him to come in! After they talked for a while, my mother would normally left us alone. The visit was so frequent that I did not know what to talk anymore and I kept shouting angrily at him even though it was a very small mistake. There was this one time when my mother caught my bad behaviour and she scolded me in front of him. After that, I was asked to seek his forgiveness. I hated my mother at that moment! But surprisingly Azmi said, “It’s okay auntie, it was my mistake.” I appreciated what he had done although I still could not stop myself from feeling disgusted.

In school, my classmates had started to tease me about him. That made me more uncomfortable because as a little kid, I tended to take these kinds of things seriously. That was when I made my decision. I started to avoid him whenever I could. When he tried to help me, I would say no. If he looked at me, I would turn away. I guessed it was pretty obvious to him that I would never like him, so finally he gave up. Life seemed to be back to normal after that.

However, in the middle of June, 1981, he did not attend the class anymore. I was curious about his absence because my teacher did not even bother to ask where he had gone, as if she had already been informed about it. I could not concentrate in class that day, because I kept looking out for him. It was only after a few days that I learned the truth. According to one of my friends, he, along with his family, had moved to another place. I felt very depressed just by hearing the news. Knowing the fact that I was not informed really hurt me. But deep inside, I admitted that I should be the one who ought to be blamed. I had never given him a chance to be my friend. I did not want to ask anyone where he had gone for I was afraid that people would made fun of me. So, I kept the feeling to myself.

From that day onwards, I try to change my attitude towards my friends and I look at them as precious gifts given to me by God. Now, as I grow older, I begin to understand more about the importance of having friends. I promise myself that I will try my best to accept anyone who wants to make friends with me. Even gossips could not destroy my relationships with them. As long as the friendship is honest, I do not care.

I have regretted throughout my life for what I had done to Azmi. However, at the same time I thank him for making me realize the real value of a friendship. I hope that wherever Azmi is now, life will treat him well, and may he forgive the mistake this little girl had made. Azmi, I am sorry...

Sharing is the joy in my life. If you understand this, you will understand me.

To Write or Not to Write – The Choice is Yours.

2011-06-23T11:00:00.003+08:00

http://www.clipartoday.com/_thumbs/014/Survey_tns.png

To some people, doing a Ph.D. is a hobby. My previous officemate actually did that. He had already retired, had all the money that he wished for, but he decided to do his Ph.D. at the age of 60 just because he loves learning. However, to most of us, Ph.D. is part of a job requirement. As we move along the tedious process - compiling the literatures, identifying the gaps, constructing the framework, designing the applicable methods, analyzing the data and finding reasons why the results were not as expected - then only the excitement and the joy of learning become more apparent.

Often in the course of writing the research, we find moments where writing becomes difficult. Some people call it the writer’s block. In truth, writer’s block does not exist in academic writing. We are not being creative and trying to inspire people. We are just reporting things that we had done. It was quoted in a book called ‘How to Write a Lot’ by Paul J. Silvia – ‘Writer’s block is nothing more than the behaviour of not writing.’ So, the cure for this disease is actually to continue writing. Hmm, how ironic is that…

I often conveyed this to my students – Ph.D. is not for a genius; Ph.D. is for those who are determined. I said this because no matter how outstanding you are, if you are not able to sit down everyday and follow your schedule closely, you will not be able to complete your research. It should be you who chase your supervisor and worry about your deadlines instead of the vice versa. Remember - a good Ph.D. is always a finished Ph.D. Often in the process of your writing, you will come across new ideas and new experiences. Whatever happens, you need to keep bouncing back. You must be physically and emotionally resilient. To do your Ph.D., you need to have a certain standard of maturity in your thinking so that you will be able to see beyond the usual. It is not easy. But…I assure you that it is going to be worthwhile. Be a consistent writer, not a binge writer.

I once read this book by Harry F. Wolcott entitled ‘Writing Up – Qualitative Research.’ He said that in writing, you need to have a plan. And the first thing that you need to do is be clear with your statement of purpose. It is important for the writer to be clear with his goals before he can get his message across successfully. The second thing is for you to develop your outline or list of major topics as detailed as possible. The reason is for you to be able to differentiate the main ideas as opposed to the supporting ones. And finally, you need to determine the basic story of your research. Imagine yourself as a movie producer. What will happen if the storyline is not in sequence and keeps going back and forth? Won’t your audience be annoyed? Won’t the audience feel frustrated because they cannot identify the gist and the ending of the movie? It is the same with the writing of your research. It should be a story. It should be your story. And it should have a sense of clarity to it – the story has to make sense…to the audience.

I hope this helps. Good luck.

I am Sorry, but it’s a NO.

2011-06-14T19:41:00.003+08:00

Many, many years ago, I was obsessed with kungfu movies. I actually saved my money to buy most of Jet Li’s Chinese movies. And in one of those movies, there was this particular phrase uttered by Jet Li to his son (of course in Cantonese) that I really liked. The phrase actually stays with me until now. Roughly translated, it basically says – ‘There is no need to explain when no one believes the explanation.’ I strongly believe in this. Normally, if I find that explaining is a waste of time and does not provide me any good in the end, I just don’t bother to do it. But last week, I failed to uphold this principal of mine. I was given a task that I knew I would not be able to do well. I was given a limited time to complete it with very minimal information on how to go about doing it. On top of that, it was not even in the area of my expertise. Against my better judgment, I did it anyway. But when I got bombarded for not being able to meet the management’s expectations, I felt compelled to defend myself..mainly because I didn’t like the negative perception that came with the blame. Theoretically, a delegation of work should be accompanied with the transfer of responsibility and accountability. However, lack of information would also hinder the effectiveness of the delegation. It was like you being given a car and a set of keys to drive without the direction of where to go. Still, those who really know me would expect me to find just the right time to interject my argument…and I will do it only once. On that particular day also, I got a very good advice from somebody..’You should learn to say NO.’ Thank you. I will always remember that….

Source: http://blog.mikehobsonart.co.uk/__oneclick_uploads/2010/09/which-way-2sm.jpg

A Journey without Regrets.

2011-05-20T17:44:00.006+08:00

I was born ambitious and resilient. And I am always determined to overcome the hurdles that I face. I am never happy when life is mundane. I cannot tolerate my days when they are to be the same routine with little variety. I guess that is one of the many reasons why I continuously forced myself to plough the road and keep moving forward even though at times the journey was painful. That is also why I sacrificed my feelings to do my Ph.D. That is why I drove myself to the hospital to deliver my son. That is why I never say ‘no’ when a task is presented to me. I don’t like to be seen as weak. In addition, I also don’t like to trouble people except my husband as I believe that I am part of him when he took me as his wife. Other times, if I suffer, I prefer to suffer alone.

For the past few years, I worked hard to ensure that I stand equal to others at the expense of my family and my health. Even though I was at home, my mind continued to think about work. When I played with my kids, I was actually thinking of the deadlines that I needed to meet. My heart was always full of anger as I felt forced to do many things simultaneously.

It was not until this one rainy day, as I was driving home that it suddenly dawned on me - as much as I wanted to be successful in life, it would not matter if I fail my family. As a wife, and a mother, I have a far bigger responsibility on my shoulder, one that will last me a lifetime. I am not saying that I will become a great wife, or an excellent mother, but I want to believe that I at least try.

So, on that particular day, I came to the realization that I now needed to prioritize my life. I begin to accept the fact that I am not young and single anymore. Time is not on my side. I am a mother of four and my children’s futures depend on me. Of course, my career is still important. But I learn to be patience. I learn to be able to take one step at a time. I learn not to be very competitive. I now read books like Chicken Soup for the Soul to remind me of what I already have in my life. As much as possible, I try to minimize the work that I bring home especially on weekends. I get involve with my children’s homework and activities. I teach them to see different perspectives in life. I train myself to work hard and also play hard. Of course, sometimes it is very difficult to get a good balance. Still, I believe in the long run it is going to be worth it. I once discovered this quotation – ‘You cannot find peace by avoiding life.’ In life, we make choices. We then have to live with the consequences of those choices. As much as I want to succeed, as much as I want to be on the top of the world, I want more for the journey to be without regrets.

A Friend in Need is a Friend Indeed.

2011-01-21T13:10:00.002+08:00

A friend in need is a friend indeed. I have lots of friends. But in truth only some prove to be reliable. Only some will be around when I need them the most. Only some actually believe in me. And only some love me unconditionally. I do believe that in life, one can never do without friends. And so, when they leave, life can never be the same ever again.

Jue
If I were to describe Jue with two words, it would be fun and shopping. If I were to describe her brand, it will be Coach. Wow! I have never seen her feeling depress or sad. She is always strong and confident. And events in her life always take an interesting turn every now and then – like pages of a novel. To Jue, I hope life treats you well wherever you are. Thank you for the constant inspiration, joy and love you share with me.

Tee
This particular friend of mine has the word ‘perfectionist’ stamped all over him. He is a good friend to have. Always willing to go for an extra mile. Always look at things in a positive way. He has a good aura surrounding him and that aura is projected to his friends somehow. A calming effect. This is a friend that knows how to enjoy life. To Tee, I hope you will one day find what you have been searching for. And thank you for always being there for me..through laugh and tears.

Serene
Serene is one of the most determined individuals that I know. Although she will only be gone for about 10 months, for me she is still not going to be around here. It is very fortunate for me to find such a reliable friend. And a very optimistic one too. From time to time, she helps keep my feet on the ground. Well, to you Serene, enjoy your life in Perth. Don't forget to come home when you are done, eh.

Frankly, I have always known that when people made their decisions, no tears will stop them from leaving. Still, some parts of me wish that they would stay. Hehe. Good luck you guys and love ya!

Let Us be Proud of Who We Are

2010-12-02T11:58:00.014+08:00

Last few weeks I had encountered a few disturbing insights from a number of people:

1. At the talk by Tun Mahathir on 29 November 2010 - ‘Revisiting Vision 2020.’ One of the issues highlighted was our lack of trust on our people's expertise. As Tun was saying, in order for us to move forward, we need to actually upgrade our own expertise and develop our products and services so that our brands will be at par with all those international brands.

"In between the sarcasm and wry humour, Dr Mahathir also dispensed some brilliant thoughts on how to achieve Vision 2020 like re-focusing on Domestic Direct Investments, changing mindsets for the better, increasing productivity and quality of goods and services, and mastering the English language as it would enable one to have more access to information and knowledge, and be able to operate internationally with relative ease.”We still have 10 good years left to achieving Vision 2020," he said." Quoted from Bernama, http://www.bernama.com/bernama/v5/newsindex.php?id=546443, 29 November 2010.

2. At the Graduate School of Management Seminar 2010 on 1 December 2010- a talk by YM Dr Raja Nerina on our Halal industry and SME. Her findings discovered that a lot of our small and medium entrepreneurs lacked the capability and motivation to penetrate the international markets although the platform was provided through the cooperation of the Malaysian government with the foreign hypermarkets such as Tesco, Carrefour and Giant. Some of the reasons given by the entrepreneurs: the international regulations were too complicated; and to succeed it required hard work on their part, which they were not willing to give.

3. Also at the Graduate School of Management Seminar 2010 on 2 December 2010 - a conversation with a veteran in the industry. The question raised was simple. Why is it that most Malaysians who work for multinational organizations regard themselves as better off than Malaysians who are working in non-multinational organizations? The former seems to have higher self esteem and self efficacy than the latter.

Phrases like ‘ saya tak pandai..’ or ‘ saya rasa saya tak layaklah..’ or even ‘malu lah saya nak join..’ were common these days. Just take the situation in the university for an example. Companies have lots of opportunities to offer students in terms of competitions, practical trainings, etc. However, there were only few interested players. The rest prefer to just stay in the background. When given the opportunities, they often opt not to participate. However, when others actually grab the opportunities, they fret and complain and criticize for not being given the chance. The worst would be them finding excuses for not taking part or for not being chosen. I remembered once in our effort to encourage students to participate in students’ activities, we actually provided a.k.a bribed them with free lunches (nasi ayam to be specific). Still, not many came. It was very frustrating as many of the nasi ayam were then distributed to the faculty members. It beat the whole purpose of offering the nasi ayam in the first place.

Is this our ‘malu’ values in action? Do Malaysians prefer being appointed to do something as opposed to being openly invited for the same purpose? Are we becoming more and more complacent? Are we losing our sense of competitiveness? Looking back towards the previous generation, I see different values and attitudes at play. Perhaps because they had it hard in the beginning, their thirsts for knowledge and success are never ending. Perhaps the younger generation is being spoon fed too much that they become lazy to even put in efforts. Or are we overprotecting them in a way that they are not resilient anymore in facing the challenges of the world? If this attitude continues, what kind of society are we going to have in the future? What kind of lives will the next generation lead? With today’s technology, we should be able to embrace challenges and learning opportunities better. Knowledge should be shared and enhanced when possible. Criticisms should be done constructively and not be infected by negative emotions such as jealousy, malignancy, hatred and so force. All these years, generations after generations, we have been brought up with a well known proverb – segan bertanya, sesat jalan. By all means, ask and you will never be lost. Personally, I am not ashamed to admit that I don’t know about something. But I am very ashamed if I don’t take any actions in trying to learn the things that I don’t know. I strongly believe that anybody can be gemilang (outstanding). It’s a question of whether we want it or not. Think about it.

“I knew at that moment I had to make a choice. I could submit to everything that was happening and live a life of excuses... or I could push myself. I could push myself and make my life good.” Liz Murray – Homeless to Harvard, 2003.

My Youngest, the Joker.

2010-11-25T09:56:00.007+08:00

Thaqif - 2 yrs old.

Thaqif - almost 1 yr old.

Thaqif - a baby.

Again and again, we keep coming to the same phrase - time sure flies. I felt that it was just recently that I gave birth to my youngest. But pejam celik, pejam celik, he is now 2 years old. Very active. And at the moment trying very hard to imitate people and improving his vocabularies. Once I was on my way to my mother’s and he was sitting at the back in his new car seat (we had to buy a new one because the old one cannot hold him anymore – he managed to get out of it), and I heard him singing ‘boya, boya, boya, boya’ like the advertisement on TV. Boya here means bola or ball. Hmm...

And there was this one time when he wanted his book and it was on top of the TV. He had said ‘mak, buku! ’, but I kind of thought I would be able to ignore his request. I just finished tidying up and didn’t want him to make a mess anymore. So, I pretended not to hear. Then he looked at me and he seemed to be thinking for a while when suddenly he uttered the word ‘atas.’ Seeing his determination, I finally relented and he got his book.

The latest incident was at Ani Sop Utara in Bangi. My husband and I decided to bring him out for dinner. And he was so happy in his baby seat waiting for the food. The moment the young server came to deliver our food, he kept repeating the word ‘makacih ye..’ everytime the boy put down the food on the table. The boy seemed a little bit hesitant. Ye lah kan, how actually to respond to this small boy who thanked him continuously and excitedly.

Well…I am sure to enjoy all these while I can. Because going back to the phrase, time is flying and before I know it, he’ll be going to school, and he won’t be so attached to me anymore. He will have his friends, his teachers, etc. etc. etc. He will even have his secrets. Sob! Sob!

I am a Teacher.

2010-11-24T11:52:00.005+08:00

Time flies, classes completed, semesters ended. I have always enjoyed my task as a teacher. Considering the fact that I never wanted to be a teacher when I was small because both my parents were teachers, this comes as a surprise to me too. It is refreshing to be able to share knowledge with my students and hopefully one day, they too would share their knowledge with somebody else. My joys of teaching normally came from the interactions I had with my students, the knowledge gained from them. I always believe that what make a good teacher are always the students. I enjoyed it when students challenged me with questions, when students participated in the discussion. And I treasured the input I got from my students. I always have. I took pride when they learned something in my class and I took pride in their successes (even though my role in their successes probably is very, very small). I appreciated the positive verbal and nonverbal reactions shared during class time. They didn’t necessarily have to get an A to gain my respect. Because for me MBA is not about scoring, MBA is about learning. When students graduated from MBA, they should be able to carry the MBA qualities with them. Knowledge is power. And with great power comes great responsibility.

With teaching, I cannot run away from awarding grades. It’s part of the parcel. But it saddened me when students, upon receiving their grades put the blame solely on the teachers for not guiding them well. And yet they were the ones playing with Facebook while I was teaching, they were the ones talking while I was straining my voice so that the others could hear, and they were the ones remaining passive for the whole 14 weeks (some didn’t even bother to come to class). Sigh. For me grades should be earned and not given. Good grades will have to be paired with serious efforts and determinations.

Still, I apologize if in the course of my teachings, I fail to carry my tasks as expected. As a human, perfection is out of the question. But I can always pray for a near perfection one day. Insyaallah. Thank you for those who have been supportive in my classes all these while. Thank you for giving me a chance. A wise man once said that we will learn something every day if we pay attention. Be observant.

You can teach a student a lesson for a day; but if you can teach him to learn by creating curiosity, he will continue the learning process as long as he lives. ~Clay P. Bedford

I Love You Mom!

2010-11-04T17:34:00.003+08:00

Nowadays I don’t get to write in my blog as much as I wanted to. Most of the time my heart yearns to write. But things keep coming onto my lap with invisible messages such as ‘Urgent,’ ‘Deadline – Yesterday,’ etc. Most of the time, I am caught between my responsibilities to my employer, my students, and my family. And I forgot about my responsibilities to myself.

Come to think of it, it’s quite hard to juggle both (work and life) especially when we live in a society that is prejudiced over the role of husbands and wives. A wife is expected to multi task. Even though a wife also contributes to the family’s income, that part more often than not is left out. All the society sees is whether the wife keeps the children neat, cleans the pots and pans, prepares the home cooked meals, etc. etc. etc. On the contrary, a husband is expected to be the breadwinner. Expected. Therefore, when you have one that stays at home and takes care of the children..boom! All sorts of negative perceptions pop out - queen controlled, submissive. And you know what hurts the most? It doesn’t matter whether staying at home is a choice of the husband or not. It doesn’t’ matter that the wife works or not. The fault still lies on the wife, for not allowing the husband the freedom he so deserve.

As for the wife? What then? She works, she contributes, she delivers children, she does the household chores (as much as she is able to since she’s working), she takes care of the children when they are sick, she even takes care of the husband when he is sick, and the list goes on and on and on. Infinity and beyond. Doesn’t she also deserve the freedom once in a while? Still, when she spends time with friends, they say she’s a bad mother, a terrible wife.

The funny thing is that, we often talk of moving forward. We talk about change. Seriously, what change is possible if our minds are still governed by traditional thinking? I think it’s about time that we open our mind. A little bit of justice is most welcome. A little bit of appreciation for the sacrifices that wives all over the world had endured all these years. A simple thank you should be enough. After all, it takes two to tango in a marriage. And it takes the whole society to march towards victory.

“We live in a cynical world. A cynical world. And we work in a business of tough competitors.” Jerry Maguire, 1996.

If Only My Heart Could Speak...It Will be My Journey of a Lifetime.

2010-07-08T15:54:00.007+08:00

The weather is still gloomy and it affects me big time. These past few days I’ve been in a very difficult mood. I feel entrap in my life. It’s like I am so deep in the water and I am now desperately fighting for air. The cause of the problem? Beats me. But I know that I have always been a dreamer. A person with the imagination. I dream whenever I can. For all that I have become today, I owe part of it to my dreams. For a person like me, dreams are necessities. I need to dream to survive. When I dream, I am able to take myself to greater heights. I am able to be many different characters at the same time. And with each of the character, I am allowed the opportunity to feel for them, to be them. As long as my heart beats, my life is going to be a journey of a lifetime. I know it and I feel it. Of course, now and then I was hindered by my inability to step back into reality. That is always the hidden danger. That you fly yourself too far from your nest and get lost on your way home. Normally, I can always shake myself off the dreams within a day or two if the dreams tend not to be too intense. But this time, I have been delayed. The dream that was sparked a few days ago has been a combination of all the impossibilities that I wish to have in my life. Humans are always intrigued by something that they couldn’t have. When the reality denies that need, that’s when I dream. Of course in my case, untangling is an issue. I am trying..still. It took me almost 3 days to fly half way back. I don’t know how long it will take me before I am home.

"I dreamed a dream in time gone by

When hope was high and life worth living

I dreamed that love would never die

I dreamed that God would be forgiving"

Al-Fatihah.

2010-06-16T23:12:00.005+08:00

At around 9.30pm tonight, my phone beeped signifying an incoming message – ‘Prof Shaik Noor Alam passed away earlier today.’ For a moment I was left with no emotion at all. And suddenly it dawned on me that this person that I often see (for our offices are located on the same floor) is now gone. He is really, really gone. My heart feels empty. Hollow. There will be no more short talks with him, no more smiles, no more exchanged of Salams... All that’s left is just his legacy and what I can remember of him. In time, those memories may also fade away as memories often do. Oh, I am not that close with Prof Shaik. Not like some of my colleagues who have the chance to be taken under his wing. He may not even remember my name, only the familiarity of my face. But I’ve had my share. And even for those short moments, I am glad to have crossed my path with him. His death made me realize how short life can be, and how abrupt it can be taken away from you. Inna lillah wa inna 'ilayhi raji'un. Just a few days ago I heard of him coming to the faculty. I was not able to meet him but they said he looked well. I had my hopes up high then for him. But now this news. He is gone. He is really, really gone. ‘Prof, you will be missed. Semoga rohmu dicucuri rahmat.’ Al-Fatihah.

Perception or Illusion?

2009-11-30T22:16:00.001+08:00

I was in the hotel room in Den Haag, alone and suddenly I had this thought that it would be wonderful if I can separate my vision from my body and see ME for the first time. Does that make any sense? All these years, we can only assume that we are people with certain looks and certain personalities. Of course we will be able to see at how we look in the mirror, but again it is only our perceptions on ourselves. Some people say that perception is merely an illusion. I believe that is probably true. For an example, I may never know what I am truly like because mostly every individual who have crossed my path came up with different perceptions or opinions on me. Over time I have been able to conjure interesting adjectives that are used to describe me. And some of those adjectives don’t seem to match my expectations of me at all. These descriptions never ceased to amaze me although at times they made me laugh (when they sounded so silly to me) or even angry (when they sounded so absurd to me). Wouldn’t it be nice if we can project the images that we wanted to, to our parents, lovers, kids, friends, colleagues, etc. without fear that those images would be distorted in some way or another by these peoples’ perceptions on us? Wouldn’t it be nice to see ourselves as the actors and actresses in the reality show so that we can do the evaluation on our looks and personalities beforehand? Well, one can only hope..

Friendship Never Ends.

2009-11-12T16:55:00.004+08:00

Wednesday: 11 November 2009
2.24pm

Nothing is more satisfying than having good friends whom I know will be there for me through ups and downs. Friends who don’t judge me blindly, but instead try to understand me. Friends who are supportive in whatever I do and who care enough to criticize even though the criticisms hurt in the beginning. And sometimes it’s the simple things that friends do that really touch me deep in the heart. Like today. We are on the final day of NLP Training in Eastin Hotel, PJ when I was surprised by the pure gestures of friendship. To Jo Ann, Serene and Tee, you guys really made my day. Words cannot really express my feelings at that moment. To Eton, it just feels good to have somebody caring whether I am happy or not, whether I am surviving or not once in a while. All in all, I just want to say that to have friends like you is one of the best gifts that I wish in my life. Thank you.

Plagiarism - A Losing Battle?

2009-10-15T14:33:00.007+08:00

Plagiarism:- "the wrongful appropriation or purloining and publication as one's own, of the ideas, or the expression of the ideas (literary, artistic, musical, mechanical, etc.) of another." The Oxford English Dictionary, Vol. XI, Second Edition.

Despite the lecturers’ efforts to continuously remind students not to plagiarize, I do fear that plagiarism in Malaysia is moving closer towards becoming a culture. These days learning is not a priority anymore. Most students focus on finishing their assignments and getting good grades only. But what is the worth of doing assignments if all the information comes from somebody else’s ideas? In the end, it is just a cut-and-paste job. Personally, I view it as an insult to my intelligence.

As their lecturer, I am not angry at them. I am more disappointed and sad. The English word doesn’t really describe my true feelings. The right word is actually ‘hampa.’ Their failure to realize how important it is to produce or submit original work based on their understanding towards the subject indirectly indicates my failure to educate them. It just feels like I am fighting a losing battle.

Source:

http://edc.carleton.ca/blog/index.php/2008/06/18/searching-for-plagiarism-part-2-of-2/

Happy Birthday Thaqif.

2009-10-09T17:46:00.002+08:00

Last Thursday was Thaqif’s birthday (08 October 2009). Feels like it was only yesterday that I first saw him and heard him cried. Time sure flies nowadays. At times I am afraid of not being able to remember all the important moments that I share with my children. A few months back, I wrote a story on my experience and sent it to one of the parenting magazines. I don’t think it will ever get published though. Too many competitions. (laughing...) Well, since it was already written, I am going to put it here for the purpose of sharing. Hope you enjoy it. And to Thaqif..Happy Birthday..be good and make me proud. I love you.

P/s: I am also going to say Happy Birthday to Ai Ling (Jo Ann’s daughter) who turned 3 years old on the same day.

THAQIF ANAK MAMA

"Genap aku hamil tujuh bulan, aku menerima khabar yang cukup meresahkan hati daripada suamiku. Dia terpaksa ke Brunei selama setahun untuk projek usahasama dengan Shell. Pada waktu itu, aku merasakan hatiku cukup sayu sekali. Amat sukar untuk aku bayangkan bagaimana untuk menghadapi saat-saat akhir trimester tanpa suami di sisi. Walau aku sudah pun mempunyai tiga cahayamata sebelum ini, bak kata orang, aku ini dikategorikan sebagai sudah berpengalaman, tetapi kehadiran suami ketika aku ingin bersalin amatlah kuharap-harapkan. Namun, aku cuba sedaya-upaya untuk bersabar dan redha dengan ketentuan Allah. Sepanjang ketiadaan suami, aku tetap melalui hari-hariku seperti biasa.

Apabila Ramadan tiba, aku bersyukur kerana aku masih dapat berpuasa penuh. Menjelang Syawal, aku semakin sarat dan cepat penat. Suamiku yang pulang untuk bercuti terpaksa mengambil-alih menjaga anak-anakku yang lain. Setelah berada di Malaysia lebih kurang dua minggu, suamiku kembali ke Brunei utnuk menyambung semula kerjanya. Tapi, rencana Allah tiada siapa yang tahu. Keesokan harinya tatkala aku bersiap-siap ke pejabat, aku melihat diriku lebih sembab daripada biasa. Aku juga merasa amat penat sekali. Aku membuat keputusan untuk tidak ke pejabat. Sebaliknya, aku ke klinik yang berdekatan. Apabila melihat keadaan aku, doktor terus mengambil keputusan untuk mengambil tekanan darahku. Ternyata tekanan darahku naik! Lantas aku dinasihatkan untuk terus pergi ke Pusat Rawatan Islam Az-Zahrah di mana aku dijadualkan untuk bersalin. Aku sebenarnya dijangkakan bersalin tiga minggu lagi .

Dalam kedaan terpinga-pinga, aku terus sahaja ke Pusat Rawatan Islam Az-Zahrah. Setiba di sana, Dr Fazlina telah menjalankan beberapa ujian ke atasku. Di atas nasihatnya, aku dimasukkan ke wad. Aku diberi ubat untuk menurunkan tekanan darah. Dr Fazlina memberitahuku bahawa kemungkinan besar aku akan diberi ubat yang akan memaksa aku bersalin setelah tekanan darahku stabil bagi mengelakkan bahaya kepada ibu dan bayi. Pada masa itu, laluan bayi aku sudah pun terbuka sebanyak dua sentimeter. Aku terus menelefon suamiku, memintanya segera pulang. Namun kerana suamiku bekerja di Brunei, dia memerlukan masa untuk mendapatkan tiket kapal terbang pada saat-saat akhir.

Pada tanggal 8 Oktober 2008, jam satu petang, Dr Fazlina memasukkan pil ke dalam pangkal rahimku untuk mempercepatkan bukaan laluan bayi. Sekitar pukul tujuh malam, aku sudah merasakan kontraksi yang semakin kerap dan amat menyakitkan. Oleh kerana suamiku belum tiba, hanya bidan di situ yang menemaniku. Aku tidak memberitahu suamiku tentang keadaanku kerana ketika itu dia sudah pun menaiki pesawat pulang ke KLIA. Pada saat itu, aku terasa-rasa bahawa Allah telah menetapkan bahawa aku akan menghadapi segalanya seorang diri tanpa suamiku. Pada lebih kurang jam sepuluh malam, Dr Fazlina datang dan memeriksa semula laluan bayi. Dia agak terkejut kerana laluan bayi kini sudah mencecah tujuh sentimeter. Aku memberitahunya bahawa aku sudah tidak mampu untuk menahan diri daripada meneran bayiku keluar. Dia kemudiannya mengarahkan aku dibawa ke bilik bersalin secepat mungkin. Aku terpaksa diletakkan di atas kerusi roda. Siksanya kurasa pada masa itu kerana aku sudah tidak boleh duduk lagi tanpa rasa ingin meneran. Air mataku menitis tanpa sedar. Segalanya berlaku agak pantas selepas itu.

Aku hanya ingat semua yang di dalam bilik bersalin itu sibuk mengadakan persiapan menyambut bayi kerana mereka tidak menjangka yang laluan bayiku terbuka sebegitu cepat. Apabila air ketubanku dipecahkan oleh Dr Fazlina, dia memberitahuku bahawa laluan sudah terbuka sebanyak tujuh sentimeter tetapi kala itu kedudukan bayiku masih tinggi. Namun, aku dapat merasakan seakan-akan bayiku ingin keluar segera.

Dr Fazlina akhirnya membenarkan aku untuk mencuba meneran keluar bayiku itu. Apabila aku meneran sekali, masih tiada apa-apa berlaku. Dua kali teran, aku terdengar seorang jururawat memberitahu Dr Fazlina bahawa kepala bayiku sudah nampak. Tiga kali teran, maka lahirlah bayi lelakiku seberat 2.6 kg. Itulah puteraku, Muhammad Thaqif. Alhamdullillah.

Walaupun hati sedikit terkilan kerana suamiku tidak sempat untuk berada di sisi, aku amat gembira dan bersyukur kerana segalanya berakhir tanpa apa-apa kesulitan. Aku juga amat berterima kasih pada Dr Fazlina kerana sentiasa menenangkan aku dalam menghadapi saat-saat kelahiran.

Ketika Dr Fazlina sibuk melakukan jahitan, aku tiba-tiba terasa amat lapar dan dahaga. Baru aku teringat bahawa aku tidak sempat untuk makan malam kerana pada masa itu aku sudah kesakitan. Aku dengan selambanya bertanya Dr Fazlina jika dia dapat meminta jururawat membawakan aku air Milo. Tidak lama kemudian secawan air Milo dan dua keping roti dihidangkan untuk aku semasa aku masih di dalam bilik bersalin itu.

Sesudah anakku dibersihkan oleh jururawat, dia diberikan sebentar kepadaku. Perkara pertama yang terlintas di dalam kepalaku ketika itu ialah siapa yang akan mengazankan anak aku. Dalam keadaan yang kelam-kabut tadi, aku juga tidak sempat meminta ibubapaku datang ke Pusat Rawatan Islam Az-Zahrah. Suamiku juga masih belum mendarat lagi pada kala itu dan masih lagi belum menerima khabar bahawa aku telah selamat bersalin.

Air mataku mula terasa ingin keluar semula. Dr Fazlina menenangkan aku lalu berjanji akan mencari seseorang di Az-Zahrah untuk membacakan azan ke telinga anakku. Dipendekkan cerita, anakku kemudiannya diazankan oleh seorang lelaki yang bekerja di situ. Kemudian, dia diazankan semula oleh ayahku yang datang melawat tidak lama kemudian. Akhir sekali, dia diazankan oleh suamiku yang baru tiba dari Brunei sekitar jam dua belas tengah malam. Doaku moga Thaqif akan menjadi anak yang baik dan soleh kelak. Amin."

Let's Walk Together.

2009-09-17T09:04:00.005+08:00

With all the commotion regarding two UPM lecturers being hauled up over plagiarism, I just have to say something. Why was it that every time something happened due to the ignorance of a few people, the society immediately lashed on the whole community. Sigh. I don’t know the real reason behind this ignorance for thinking that a website is a public domain and for not citing the sources, but please don’t generalize. Kerana nila setitik maka rosak susu sebelanga. The system won’t be able to improve itself if we continue to lay blames on each other. Yes, perhaps the university should’ve done something different. There are always rooms for improvements. But two heads are always better than one. So help us with your constructive comments instead of crushing us. We are all Malaysians. I believe there are many academics here in Malaysia who considers plagiarism as a very serious offense. And many will continuously preach to students about the importance of citations. Most of us continue to do what we do because we believe that we can help make a difference. Therefore, walk with us through this journey. Let’s protect the candle from melting and its fire from dying..TOGETHER.

"Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri. Maaf Zahir dan Batin."

A Mother's Fear.

2009-08-23T00:14:00.003+08:00

In the past few weeks, in mostly every parts of the world, people are talking about Influenza A, H1N1. As a mother, it used to scare me very, very much for fear that it would attack any or all my children. It is always a mother’s nature to protect their children and to constantly worry about them. Why? Well, mainly because the children have been in my womb for 9 months. The bonds are simply unbreakable. The bonds are not easy to describe. If you are a mother, you would know by heart. As for me, I would rather have the virus attacking me rather than them. Simply because I don’t want them to suffer. I would rather suffer the pain on behalf of them. Come to think of it, I would rather suffer the pain even for my husband or my parents for they are also the most important people in my life. In fact my children, my husband and my parents are my life. Without them, I have nothing.

I was planning to go to Turkey for a conference in the third week of Ramadhan. It was funny to think that in the beginning I was actually very worried if I were to contract the virus there and spread it to my family. Fate obviously had taken a different turn. My eldest daughter was found positive of the virus last Monday. Chances are she got it from school. There have been issues where parents keep sending their sick children to school so that they can continue to go to work. Upon receiving the news, I felt like my heart just dropped. I couldn’t think straight for a while and I remembered my hands were shaking. Since I am just only a philosophical doctor and not a medical doctor (which at that moment I wished I should have been), my information about the virus comes only from what I read or hear in the papers and the news. And other extra information that I have just came from my assumptions and my paranoia over the unknown and the unthinkable. Having my husband in Brunei did not help the situation at all. But I know I had to be brave. This was not the time for me to panic. I kept reminding myself that qada’ and qadar di tangan Allah. I wanted to cry on my way home, but I couldn’t. So I prayed for her safety and I prayed for her to be well again instead. I was desperate to reach her, but my Waja did not seem to be able to move fast enough. When I finally arrived home, I barely had the time to think. I had to start the quarantine process, and had to take all the safety measures to make sure that the virus would not spread to others especially my other three children. I had to be calm for Yasmin and it was very difficult to do that. I didn’t want her to see how worried I was. The first few days when she still had her fever and cough and cold altogether, I had to monitor her closely especially for difficulties in breathing or continuous high fever. Luckily none of those happened.

Yasmin is now in the process of recovering. Today is her 6th day of quarantine and tomorrow will be her last. She seems to be in a stable condition. I have been working on and off since day one and have taken emergency leaves until the weekend. My husband also manages to do the same. He had come home earlier for Yasmin, and also for me. To my friends who are both medical doctors, thank you for your guidance. The knowledge that you shared with me helps me to be calm and prepared. To my colleagues who have been supporting me continuously, who have been concerned for Yasmin until now, and who have made this difficult journey somewhat easier for me, thank you so much. I owe you one. One thing that I can tell you though, having to go though this, to have experienced dealing with it face-to-face, somehow manage to reduce the level of fear that I had over this virus. The unknown now become a little bit known. I also realize that we can only pray and take precautions, but the rest is all up to Allah. I love you Yasmin.

A Song to Remember.

2009-08-14T16:49:00.014+08:00

The date was 24 May 2008. Hazim (my first son) was 6 years old. He did his pre-school at Tabika Kemas Sungai Sekamat. One day, his teacher selected him to sing in a Nasyid competition. There were about 10 students chosen for that competition. The morning of the competition, I almost didn’t make it on time to see him performed because I lost my way. Luckily when I finally arrived, he was just starting. I was so proud seeing him with his first complete purple ‘baju Melayu.’ He looked so happy to see me. Later, I learned from the teacher that before I came, he was the only student not accompanied by a parent. I felt so guilty. In the midst of his performance, I remembered thinking… ‘he is no more my baby. My baby has grown up.’ Somehow the song chosen by the teacher really touched my heart deeply. I always like the song anyway. To hear it sung by my son was such a blessing. To me the song is a very powerful song. It is a song created from the heart. It is a song that reminds me how fleeting my life is. That my days on earth are numbered. That life is just a journey, not a destination. The song that Hazim sang on that day was ‘Pergi Tak Kembali.’

Pergi Tak Kembali
Artist: Rabbani

Setiap insan pasti merasa

Saat perpisahan terakhir

Dunia yang fana akan ditinggalkan

Hanya amalan yang dibawa

Terdengar sayup surah dibaca

Sayunya alunan suara

Cemas di dada...lemah tak bermaya

Terbuka hijab di depan mata

Selamat tinggal pada semua

Berpisahlah kita selamanya

Kita tak sama nasib di sana

Baikkah atau sebaliknya

Amalan dan takwa jadi bekalan

Sejahtera bahagia pulang...ke sana

Sekujur badan berselimut putih

Rebah bersemadi sendiri

Mengharap kasih anak dan isteri

Apa mungkin pahala dikirim

Terbaring sempit seluas pusara

Soal-bicara terus bermula

Sesal dan insaf tak berguna lagi

Hancurlah jasad dimamah bumi

Berpisah sudah segalanya

Yang tinggal hanyalah kenangan

Diiring doa dan air mata

Yang pergi takkan kembali lagi

Rabbani lead singer dies

2009/08/13
KUALA LUMPUR: Asri Ibrahim, leader and lead singer of popular nasyid group Rabbani, died of heart attack yesterday. He was 40. He had collapsed at a press conference for RTM's Syahadah programme at Angkasapuri. He was rushed to Pantai Medical Centre, where he was pronounced dead at 11am. Asri, also a renowned motivational speaker in schools and universities, is survived by wife Haliza Shahadan, 39, and six children.Asri was born on Aug 3, 1969 in Klang, Selangor. With his nasyid group Rabbani, he had been at the forefront in popularising the nasyid genre in the country by introducing a new sound that incorporated modern beats. Rabbani has released 17 albums and won numerous awards for its inspirational music and songs. Among its best-known albums are Pergi Tak Kembali (1999), Intifada (2000), Yalla Beena (2004).

Al-fatihah…

‘Aku adalah pengejar syurga akhirat,bagiku dunia ini adalah tempat mempersiapkan segala sesuatu untuk meraih syurga akhirat;aku yakin bahawa syurga akhirat tidak akan pernah dapat aku raih kecuali aku boleh menikmati syurga dunia terlebih dahulu.Maka rumah dan keluargaku adalah syurga dunia paling indah buatku. Tempat kerja syurga dunia harianku. Tetangga, masyarakat,dan bangsa adalah syurga duniaku yang lebih luas.Ke manapun dan sampai bila-bila pun syurgaku selalu bersamaku..’ Asri Rabbani

Blast from the Past.

2009-08-06T09:57:00.003+08:00

Terkenang zaman dulu-dulu...a short story written when I was in Form 2, "DEMI YANG TERSAYANG."

Dalam keindahan petang, aku melangkahkan kaki ke satu lorong kecil yang maha kotor lagi busuk. Suasana di persekitaran senyap sekali. Hanya derap sepatuku menghasilkan irama-irama sumbang. Namun walaupun begitu setidak-tidaknya ia berjaya mengurangkan keresahan yang sedang bergolak di dalam jiwaku. Kalau diikutkan hati mahu rasanya aku lari dari tempat ini tetapi demi orang yang ku sayang ku tahan jua. Sebentar kemudian aku tiba di sebuah bilik kecil. Pintunya dicat merah tetapi warna asal tersebut sudah mula merekah, meninggalkan tompok-tompok hitam yang menjijikkan. Cendawan bermaharajalela di bahagian bawahnya. Di sebelah kiri terdapat sebuah longkang yang dipenuhi sampah-sarap besar dan kecil. Bau busuk dan hanyir kuat menusuk hidungku. Aku seakan-akan lemas rasanya .

Tanpa menunggu lebih lama ku ketuk pintu itu. Senyap. Sejurus kemudian ketukanku bergema lagi namun masih tiada jawapan. Lantas ku tolak pintu buruk itu. Berkeriut bunyinya. Bilik kecil itu hanya berukuran 15 meter persegi sahaja .Tiada perabot, tiada hiasan. Hanya sekeping tikar usang penyeri lantai hitam yang kotor. Di satu sudut terdapat sebuah gelas yang telah retak, sebuah pinggan sumbing dan cerek yang bocor manakala di suatu sudut yang lain sehelai sejadah dan kain dilipat kemas. Dindingnya cuma dihiasi sebuah songkok hitam yang telah pudar warnanya. Ku halakan pula pandanganku ke atas. Atap zink itu sudah berlubang-lubang. Kalau hujan kiranya pasti ia menyerbu masuk menghentam tubuhmu yang kesejukan. Oh, daifnya kehidupan bagi yang empunya bilik ini! Berbeza sekali dengan pangsapuri mewah milik ibu, banglo dua tingkat kebanggaan ayah dan chalet-chalet sewaan mereka. Aku akhirnya duduk melepaskan penat. Kenangan tiga tahun lalu menghimbau kembali diingatanku .

~~~~~~

Esok keputusan SPM akan diumumkan. Malam itu ku lihat kau resah sahaja. Aku tidak hairan jika tidurmu malam itu tidak lena.

Waktunya tiba, kau pergi dengan seribu debaran di hati. Tetapi malangnya kau gagal mempertahankan status kebanggaan keluarga. Ibu sudah sedia menanti tika kau pulang. Nombor yang tertera di atas gulungan kertasmu nampaknya semakin membuatkan ibu geram. Pangkatmu hanya 3. Aku tidak tahu mengapa ibu marah benar sedangkan dia sendiri tahu yang kau telah berusaha sedaya upayamu. Kau bersengkang mata setiap malam hanya untuk mengulangkaji pelajaranmu. Kau juga sanggup berhenti dari segala aktivitimu di sekolah walhal aku tahu kau amat cenderung dalam sukan. Kau pernah mengatakan bahawa sukan itu duniamu. Ibu sepatutnya menenangkan hatimu bukannya memukul atau menghalau kau keluar dari rumah! Setahuku ibu hanyalah ibu tiri kita. Apa hak ibu untuk menghalau kau dari rumahmu? Sesungguhnya aku amat kesal kerana gagal menghalang kehendak ibu. Sakit akibat pukulan ibu turut aku rasakan. Cemuhan ibu terhadapmu juga memedihkan hatiku. Aku benci ibu! Tetapi kau tenang sahaja. Malahan kau menasihatkanku supaya jangan ingkar akan kata-kata ibu. Betapa murninya hatimu bang.

Kau pergi hanya berbekalkan wang simpananmu yang pada firasatku hanya 500 ringgit sahaja. Aku yakin wang sebanyak itu tidak dapat menampung kehidupanmu di dunia yang serba mencabar ini. Maafkan aku kerana tidak dapat membantumu. Hanya airmataku mengiringi pemergianmu.

Tiga hari selepas peristiwa itu ayah pulang. Sebaik sahaja mengetahui perkara yang telah terjadi, ayah terus berusaha mencarimu tetapi hampa. Sejak itu rumah yang dahulunya riuh dengan gelak tawa kita dua beradik kini berwajah mendung. Hari-hari yang ku lalui amat membosankan. Sementara itu, sikap ayah terhadap ibu adalah dingin sekali. Ayah hanya menegur ibu bila perlu sahaja. Syukur alhamdulillah, akhirnya ibu insaf .

Setahun kemudian aku menduduki peperiksaan SPM. Aku berazam untuk berjaya dengan cemerlangnya dan sekaligus menebus kegagalan kau dahulu. Dengan kehendak Illahi, impianku menjadi nyata. Kejayaan ini kembali mengingatkan aku kepadamu. Lalu dengan itu ku teruskan usaha yang terbengkalai dahulu. Ku temui rakan-rakan sekelasmu dengan senjuta harapan namun nasib nampaknya masih belum menyebelahiku. Tidak seorang pun di antara mereka yang tahu di mana kau. Aku tidak putus asa dan mula menapakkan kaki ke Rumah-rumah Kebajikan Masyarakat serta Pusat-pusat Pemulihan Dadah. Malangnya kau tidak pernah ke tempat-tempat seperti itu.

Malam 3 Mac, sesungguhnya amat bererti buatku. Secara tidak sengaja aku bertemu dengan Khairul, rakan karibmu dulu. Ku pujuk dia supaya memberitahuku di mana kau berada kerana ku pasti dia tahu. Pada mulanya dia enggan tetapi setelah melihatkan kesungguhanku akhirnya satu persetujuan dicapai. Aku tiba di lorong ini …

~~~~~~~

Pintu merah itu berbunyi laksana ditolak. Aku tersentak. Lamunanku terhenti. Seorang pemuda masuk membawa sebungkus nasi. Wajahnya cengkung tidak bermaya. Mungkin kerana kerja berat. Matanya membayangkan seribu persoalan. Aku kematian kata-kata. Hanya senyuman berbunga dan mutiara penghiasnya.

“Abang !” akhirnya keluar juga ucapan itu. Dia mula mengerti. Serta-merta wajah tampan yang layu itu kembali bercahaya.

“Dik!”

~Tamat~

Farewell Yasmin.

2009-07-29T16:11:00.000+08:00

Upon hearing the death of Yasmin Ahmad, I suddenly feel compelled to say my farewell to arwah. In every one of her creations, she managed to make the differences among us invisible. In every one of her creations, she lights up hopes that unity is indeed welcome. And true enough, in every one of her creations, she managed to touch my heart..deeply. The idea she lets across is universal. That all of us are one and the same. That the colorful nation has always been Malaysia’s destiny. It is just a shame that we sometimes failed to see our own best talent when others did.

So to Yasmin, thank you very much for reminding me of the little things that I always take for granted. We’ve never met. But looking back, it would have been an honor for me if we did. I will miss your commercials and short stories. Most of all, I will miss your words.

"In the end it's these small things that you remember with imperfections that make them perfect for you.."Al-Fatihah.

X or Y?

2009-07-28T16:09:00.000+08:00

When Douglas McGregor first came up with Theory X and Y, the idea is simple although the implication of the theories in our lives is far greater. Theory X regards people to be lazy, to dislike work, to avoid working hard, and to prefer to be directed. On the contrary, Theory Y regards people to be motivated to work; to feel unfulfilled without the opportunity to work and contribute to society; to prefer control over their work; and to take responsibility for their work. In general, when I think of an X person, I always think of direction..direction..direction..and spoon-feeding. However, if I think of a Y person, the main thing that comes to my mind would be independent.

What actually trigger my discussion on Theory X and Y? See, yesterday, while I was teaching, suddenly a question popped up in my mind. Can we actually say that the education system that we have currently in schools is based on developing students to be in the scope of X individuals and the education system we have in the university is actually moving towards developing the Y individuals. You may ask, why the transition? Because organizations want Y employees. Just browse through the job advertisements in STAR for an example to see the kind of applicants that these organizations want. ‘Performance driven and able to adapt to a fast paced working environment , ‘ ‘Independent,’ ‘Process oriented and meticulous with a keen eye for detail,’ ‘Consistently achieve their performance deliverables and add value to the organization,’ ‘Demonstrate capability beyond their current scope of function.’

In schools, students are given all the materials they need to succeed. Those who work hard will eventually score in exams. The moment they enter the university, they are required to actually take one step further. Success now will not only depend simply on the materials given. Instead success is owned by those who are independent. The end goal should not be just to get a 4.0 CGPA. The end goal should be to get a GOOD job. And keep on improving until you fulfill your self-actualization. To get a good job, a student needs to be an all-rounder. One general comment that we get from future employers is ‘yes, the results are a straight line, but other than that, they know nothing.’ This is a challenge. How do we get our students to think out of the box? I told my students, one of the simplest ways to start knowing is by actually mixing with people from various backgrounds. As students, they are faced with the opportunity to make new friends everyday in class. The problem is they normally come into class and sit with their current friends. Some have been sitting beside the same person since their first year in the university. Why? Why not take that opportunity to actually sit besides somebody new and begin the process of learning. Why not mingle yourself among people from different cultures. Everything actually starts with you. If you have the will, you will always find a way.

There's No Turning Back in Life.

2009-07-06T21:09:00.000+08:00

Sometimes it was so frustrating to witness gloomy faces among students especially in the beginning of the semester. A student’s life should be filled with happiness and joy. It was such a loss to have not experienced all of those. Because looking back, you will wish that you would have done it differently. Trust me.

I remembered behaving totally different during my time in Mizzou. Everyday was like a journey to be discovered. And every morning (well most mornings actually) I woke up with such a high spirited energy. There was always something to do, something to explore. We bowled, we played roller blade, we barbequed, we jammed, we laughed and we cried. We did our laundry and went grocery shopping normally after midnight when there were less people using the services. We studied hard and played hard too. Everyday of the semesters we spent going to classes, talking to friends, getting to know our lecturers and giving them opportunities to know us, and of course..WORKING (this was mainly to pay for our travelling expenses later). Come exam week, we spent hours and hours in the library, stopping only for some fries and a cup of hot chocolate at Mc D just before midnight. We only went home when the library closed its doors around 3 in the morning. Sleeping was never a priority. After exam, well…this was the payback for our efforts. We travelled!!! One time, we travelled for 2 weeks straight..from Missouri to Indiana, Wisconsin, Ohio, New York and up to Canada (Niagara Falls, Quebec, Montreal) and finally back to Missouri. A breathtaking journey ending with me catching chicken pox! And I actually spread the virus to another three of my friends in Mizzou. Hahaha! That was a riot!!! Everybody cursed me back then.

Well, those are my memories, my stories. I keep reminding my students to enjoy the process of learning and of maturity. Being a student is a-one-in-a-lifetime experience. So please, grab it while you can…This is your time. Start creating your memories.

Should Auld Acquaintance be Forgot.

2009-06-26T19:10:00.000+08:00

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, And never brought to mind? Should auld acquaintance be forgot. And auld lang syne?

All the marks are in for Organizational Behavior class this trimester. Phew. But at the end of the day it is still about knowledge. And it is about application of the knowledge. Somebody used to tell me that knowledge is not ours to keep. It is ours to share. So, start sharing...

To all my students; Amaliya, Eu Jin, Mingxing, Amin, Hawazin , Haneem, Oyin , Badri, One, Amelia , Yan, Roslinda, Voon Lee, Vincent , Yassar, Yvonne, Soma, Asmawati, Lailyiza, Pei Lye, Noraliza, Rashan, Sharis, Chong, Joyce and Leyla, I wish you all the best and keep up the energy that you showed in my class. It is as much a learning process for me as it is for you.

Thank you.

Room Painting.

2009-06-25T18:37:00.001+08:00

I finally did it! I finally painted my room. I had talked about it for a long time, but it was only in the last few weeks that I had committed myself to doing it by taking the first step..buying the paint. Of course I had to buy the expensive type because that would be the only way to motivate me to use it. Otherwise, the paint would still be in the can until next year. Hah! I got to know myself pretty well now. Normally that is how I push myself forward…by committing first and then thinking about how to meet the deadlines later…and freaking out. Good strategy, eh. But very, very stressful.

A Welcome Gesture.

2009-04-13T09:09:00.001+08:00

Last few weeks, I was in a very stressful mood most of the days. So many things had to be completed and the very fact that I always wanted to do the best in everything that I do made the situation more difficult. But there was this one time when I was walking up to my room and a former student of mine said ‘hi’ to me. He was standing near one of the offices; so, I sort of knew that he was actually waiting for one of his lecturers. Still, he came up to me and offered to take my briefcase. And before I could say no, he took the briefcase and just started to walk up to the third floor. At that point of time, my mood was suddenly improved. Simply put, I felt happy and appreciated. As a lecturer, I did not expect anything from my students. But, a gesture like this one, no matter how simple, was always welcome anytime.

De-motivating Thought.

2009-03-05T08:14:00.000+08:00

Hi everybody. It's been a while. I've been busy. I know, I know there's no excuse, but it's the truth. Anyway, I have been busy with all my classes, the preparations, the assignments and the exams. And I also have other tasks (??) to be completed. On top of that, there are the over-the-weekend motivational courses, workshops, seminars to be attended every once in a while.

Today, I just wanted to raise some issues on motivation. By definition, motivation is the process of arousing and sustaining goal-directed behavior. So, it should provide us the excitement to improve, to make us want to achieve something. But, sometimes organizations make mistakes by giving too many motivational talks or even workshops. The organizations can also make things worse by being selective on their participants. By not including all the members of a certain department in the motivational talks, organizations instead create dissatisfactions and stress. Although in the beginning people can be excited, those who are selected again and again for similar courses would start to question the real motives behind their selection. Are they chosen because they have the potentials to be the top performers or are they actually selected because they are not performing? And they also begin to wonder why certain members of the organization whom they view as non-active are not sent to such courses. Isn't one of the objectives of giving motivation is to make people more productive? Perhaps if the organizations would offer the non-active members an equal chance of attending the motivational talks, they might respond in a positive way. In addition, the act will also create a certain kind of prestige to these motivational talks.

As an advocate of Organizational Behavior study, I understand that motivation is very important to the successful of every organization. But, too many of these talks might in the end make the members de-motivated. Think about it.

Plagiarism..Think Twice.

2008-07-29T08:05:00.000+08:00

Plagiarism is always one of the main problems among students especially the undergraduates. Recently I have caught a few with plagiarized materials. In simple words, plagiarism is basically taking other people’s ideas and uses the ideas as one's own original work. Most students seem to think that it is not considered plagiarism as long as the authors' are cited somewhere in the assignment (or not cited…). Well, that notion is wrong. If you were to take someone else's idea, at least you must paraphrase it and then cite the author. If you were to insert the idea word by word, you must put the whole sentence in a quotation mark with the citation at the end. In the three cases that I have examined, the students simply cut-and-paste most of the materials found in the Web and combined them to make a complete project paper. They didn't even bother to change the logo of the company that they copied from the Web or the different fonts used. What is it with students nowadays? Do they think we are not going to notice when their writing suddenly miraculously improves? Or when suddenly all the bombastic words are expressed perfectly? Or when their grammatical errors are almost nil? Personally, I feel that the act is just simply an insult to my intelligence.

Still, I do not blame them 100 per cent. The universities and the academicians should also play their roles. Questions need to be asked. To what extend that academicians are willing to uphold their principles? Should we fail them, give warning or do nothing (grade the paper as a normal paper)? I know for sure that Western academicians adhere to zero tolerance for plagiarism. Most Western universities even required students to submit all their assignments directly to Turnitin online (one of widely used plagiarism software detection) before the assignments are graded by the lecturers. Personally, I believe that we should do the same in Malaysia. I don't mind about not having the software. I can still detect plagiarism manually through the internet by google-ing key words or sentences. But, students need to be told of the severity of the penalty and the universities along with the academicians should unite in our effort to curb this problem. Many things are acceptable or negotiable, but plagiarism should not be one of them.

Fresh from the Trees...

2008-07-08T14:18:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, Monday 7th July 2008 was the first day of the semester. And my class was one of the first for new students. I like teaching new students. Why? Because no matter what, my class will always be full. And these new students, they looked fresh, alert and interested. They even asked me about the dress code to come to my class. Hehehe. What more can a lecturer ask, kan? My second class of the day, which was at 12pm, was also no shock to me. It was a 3rd level class...and it only lasted 5 minutes. Again, you may wonder why..because there were only 3 students present. I told them thanks for coming, gave them the course synopsis and ended the class. Hopefully I can start teaching by this coming Wednesday. And this morning was my first GSM class for MBA students. Kind of scary in the beginning but all ended well. Thank God. The class had a good mixture of students from various backgrounds such as Business, Engineering, Microbiology, etc. And there were a few students on study leaves ranging from 1 to 2 years who work for MAS and several other organizations. There was even one French student coming under GSM student exchange program. This class will surely pose a challenge to me especially in trying to get them to understand the impact of OB on real-life situations. At the same time, it will also provide me with valuable experience. No doubt about that. Well, I have news for me, my colleagues and all my students:

'That's it people! Holidays are officially over...'

All in a Week...

2008-07-02T11:45:00.001+08:00

3rd of July, 09.30am:

1st July 2008:

Dr Simon Booth who is also the Head of Management Department and my Ph.D. internal examiner in Reading came to visit our faculty with a very interesting proposal..an opportunity for collaboration. As I was listening to him in the meeting, I can't stop my mind from taking a walk down the memory lane. I wish Denise, Peter and Evelyn were here too. It seems that a lot of exciting things are happening in Reading after I graduated last year. They are now in the process of merging with the Henley Management College. The merger, due to be completed in August 2008, will unite Henley, currently ranked among the top 25 business schools in Europe and the University of Reading Business School. The new Henley Business School will become the fourth largest business school in the UK and house the Schools of Economics, Management and Real Estate & Planning, alongside the ICMA Centre (for financial markets).

Wow..this is really great! Still, I regret not being there in Reading during the transformation. I would have liked to be able to explore the new building. Simon said it's going to be a state-of-the-art building. Well, perhaps with the collaboration, I will get another chance to visit Reading.

Yesterday...

The funny thing that happened yesterday was that I needed to get in touch with Simon, but he did not have any mobile phone with him. Luckily I asked about his schedule the day before. So, first thing first, I contacted PJ Hilton to ask about him. That was around 10.30am. They told me that he has checked out and gone somewhere. Then I remembered that he had a meeting with the British Council at noon. So, I contacted British Council and managed to speak to the receptionist. He told me that he was never informed of such visitor. I knew then that I had to change my tactic. Thinking fast, I asked him (in a polite manner of course..) that if a person from a UK university were to visit the organization, which department would they normally go. And he said it would usually involve the UK Education. I proceeded to ask him to connect me with UK Education and finally...the people there told me that yes, they were expecting Simon in a few hours. Oh my God! I am so proud of myself. It's not much, but it is still my outstanding accomplishment for the day! Hahaha. Three cheers for me!!!

To Simon; I wish you a good trip back to UK. Thank you for taking the time to visit us.

Today..
I am yet to look at all my notes for next week's classes. I have 5 classes this semester and all have to be completed earlier to give way for my sudden maternity leave. Hahaha. I have a feeling I will be alone in the delivery room this time around as I doubt that my husband will be able to fly back on time. Yeah, yeah, talk about me being a pessimist. Most people don't know this, but I am always optimist at work and most of the time pessimist at home. Funny, huh.

Tomorrow..

Another meeting awaits me. The final one this week since tomorrow is Friday. And..tomorrow is also my tenth wedding anniversary. The 4th of July..Americans will be celebrating it for sure. It's their Independence Day. Hmm..wonder what my husband has in store for me..probably nothing.

3rd of July, 12.30pm:

I stand corrected. At about this time, I received a bouquet of roses and a box of Ferrero Rocher hazelnut chocolates from my husband. This is among those few times that he surprised me. And I am truly surprised! And touched. I am so touched, I feel like crying. As a matter of fact, I did cry. Oh gosh..how I wish he would not have gone to Brunei next month.

Life is Full of Surprises...

2008-05-30T11:21:00.000+08:00

Forgive me my friends for not writing for quite some time. As I said before, time is moving so fast, I strain to maintain my pace. For the past few months, I've been bogged down with my work. Classes, exams and on top of that, my morning sickness. Yup, I am 5 months pregnant and now it is no more morning sickness, it's evening sickness. Well, what the baby wants, the baby gets, huh.

A few days ago, I was thinking about my hectic schedule and finally decided to reduce some of my teaching and administrative workload so that there will be more time with the family starting next semester. Well, it's not going to happen now, I guess. My husband told me last Friday that he will be sent to Brunei for a year for a company project. Upon hearing the news, I didn't know whether I should cry or laugh or scream. What should I do? Can I cope? How am I going to deliver the baby alone? (Let's be practical here, as much as I want my husband to be with me when I deliver the baby, deep in my heart I know that we can't really predict when the baby decide to face the world. And him being away in Brunei, hey who am I trying to kid, it will take time to book a flight ticket and to rush to my bedside.) Before I can even digest that information fully and accept the fact that we are going to be separated...again...my mom told me another shocking news..that my 17-year old cousin, Mohd Afiq Hadri who was vacationing with his family at The Orient Star Resort, Lumut had drowned in the swimming pool. He passed away just before Maghrib. And of course we then rushed to Seremban. Looking at my paklang and maklang's faces, I know how devastated they are with the lost of their beloved son. As for us, there's nothing that we can offer, except our prayers for Afiq. People speculate..of course they do. But I know paklang, and I know how protective he is with his children. And I believe, when it is time for a person to leave the world, there is nothing stopping him. As a Muslim, I believe in qada' and qadar...in heaven and earth. Qada’ (decree) is Allah’s specifying how things will be, in pre-eternality, by His Will, in accordance with His Knowledge. Qadar (destiny) is Allah’s bringing into being through His Power, that which His Will specified. We can cry as much as we want, but it will never bring him back. And therefore, I pray for them to be strong..although I myself am not sure of my reactions if the same thing were to happen to me. Semoga rohnya dicucuri rahmat. Amin.

Ironically, that same Friday (6th of June) was actually my youngest daughter's birthday..Kamalia. We actually planned for a small family celebration, but it did not follow thru because the birth of Kamalia now signifies the death of her uncle Afiq. I think I will keep reminding her of the event so that she will remember him always.

Yes..life is full of surprises. And all the events of the day and the events that might take place after make me wonder further...will we regret not spending time with our beloved ones when death knocks on our doors?

The Act Of Being Sarcastic...

2008-02-22T20:55:00.000+08:00

Have you ever come across individuals who always make sarcastic comments about almost everything? I have. Quite a few actually for the last 10, 15 years. I always wonder what makes a person do that. Is it because you secretly want certain things and therefore you envy people who have those things? Is it because you simply can't stand the sight of other people being happy? Or is it just because you are born with sarcasms?

Interestingly, most of these 'sarcastic individuals' seem to be so natural in being sarcastic. The sarcastic words just come out automatically as if on cue. They can't even praise you without being sarcastic first. And sometimes they smile while being sarcastic. I wonder are those compliments sincere then? How should one react to such situations? By smiling and by politely saying thank you? By agreeing with the sarcastic remarks? Or by pretending as if those sarcastic comments are something nice instead? I know..I know..I am using a lot of the 's' word here. It's just that, I couldn't find the perfect synonym for sarcasm or even sarcastic. Can you?

Sometimes you get people who don't have any intention to go any extra mile at all..but they are full of sarcasms. Wouldn't you feel like laughing? I mean..is there any logic in that? Think about it. You don't like doing it and yet you don't want others to snatch those opportunities from you. What do you expect? For the bounced ball to keep rolling back towards you everytime? Maybe it will..but believe me...it won't be forever. I believe individuals will always be given chances, but there are or course limits. Once you exceed the limit, your time is up. I am sure you have heard of this phrase.."grab it while you can...'

I guess if you ever in doubts, you might want to clarify by saying, 'excuse me, are you being sarcastic?' or 'I assume that you are being sarcastic' or somewhere between those lines. Hahaha. Now who is being sarcastic? At times you need to avoid being hurt by being sarcastic yourself. It's not revenge though. It's just getting even. Just like this Mrs Dot here:

I Finally Can Swim!!!

2008-02-21T20:54:00.000+08:00

Ahah! After 33 years, I finally can swim! It began with Tuesday being so stressful for me.. On Wednesday morning, I felt so annoyed with things happening at home. And when I arrived at the office, there were so much work to complete that I ended up not doing anything. So, I decided to take a dip in the pool with K.Ana. Just to cool off. Dr Murali said I was losing my focus..so no sense to continue working there. Yup! I wanted to practice anyway because by Saturday my young instructor would definitely want to see some improvements. She always said..'you need to practice..that will make the process of learning faster.' I always nodded my head..nod, nod, nod..of course, I understand that. I am a lecturer..hahaha. But, I just couldn't find the time. Alasan.

When we arrived, the pool was quite empty. The feeling of those cool water all over me gave a very soothing feeling. It calmed me. In the beginning I started my breast stroke like before...three strokes and breathed, three strokes and breathed...Then I saw K.Ana doing her breast stroke..so gracefully. She told me to find the rhythm. I had nothing better to do...so I tried. One stroke and breathed..one stroke and breathed. All the time my mind was humming the rhythm for my body to follow. The power of your mind can sometimes amazes you. When I was in Missouri last time, I wanted to learn roller blading. The first time I tried, I couldn't even balanced myself even to stand still for a few seconds. I was practising with my husband in front of his house. I managed to slid under his feet everytime I tried to stand. The people in the cars that went by his house were my witnesses. They honked at me! Somebody shouted encouraging words to me though. Thank you. God bless you. For the next few days, I remembered playing with my mind, imagining myself standing up while wearing my blades..and, guess what? The next time I tried, I was a natural. That experience was really amazing. Wow.

Well...I guess that was what happened with my swimming. After 1/2 hour of mind training, I finally did it. Congratulations to me. Hahaha. It felt great!

PIBG oh PIBG...

2008-02-15T23:24:00.000+08:00

Tonight I attended my first PIBG (Persatuan Ibubapa dan Guru or Parents and Teachers Association) meeting. It was a new territory for me..kind of embarrassing to be so out of loop in the discussion. I was so far behind because I never attended any PIBG AGM (Annual General Meeting) for the past 2 years because I was away, studying for my PhD. So, the last AGM (that was in January), I decided to come. I dunno what happened, but somehow I got elected as one of the AJK (ahli jawatankuasa or committee members). Which literally means, more work for me. It's hard enough to juggle my day schedule, now I will have meetings at night. My parents are of course jumping with joy when they heard the news. Having previously worked as teachers, both of them see this election as an opportunity to make a difference for my children. As for me, I have my own doubts. Although my husband is willing to take care of the kids during my night meetings, the intellectual support I get from him is almost nil. He is an IT person and his life is just his work..back and forth. Nothing more, nothing less. No more thinking after office hours. In the 10 years that I have been married to him, I can count the intellectual discussions that I had with him.

Most of the AJK have worked together before. Many have been re-elected. So they know each other well. Most are quite veterans..and they seemed to have made up their minds on certain things already tonight. Felt like I was the youngest parent there (more in terms of my experience as opposed to my age - though I always feel young..hehehe) and I was having this awkward feeling..butterflies in my stomach. I couldn't helped myself from feeling a bit low in terms of my self-esteem. I kept thinking, 'they are just waiting to see me do something foolish so that they can laugh.' God help me. I hope I will be able to do something good. My credibility is at stake here. If I fail, indirectly my children will also feel the impact. The teachers will know about my failure. And then, how will they perceive our family? What shud I do? What shud I do? What will you do if you were in my shoes?

My Hari Raya Cina Vacation...

2008-02-12T21:29:00.000+08:00

'the young becaman, not the pakcik'

'fun in the pool'

'the Lion Dance'

'on the top of the hill!'

Oh well..where should I start? Hmm...I had a great Chinese New Year vacation! We took the kids to Malacca for a new experience. Of course for us it was to relive our past. It was so..so long ago when my father took me to Malacca. I remembered going for a swim in Tanjong Bidara..but the rest of the trip was just a blur now. In those days, we didn't have a camera. So there were no pictures to remind us. We relied more on our memories. Today, we are so blessed with the technology. It is easier to remember things that you can see, isn't it?

Although we were stuck in a traffic jam for a few hours, the excitement on my children's faces was clear. The Equatorial was at the heart of Malacca. That made it easier for us to wander around. The walk to Mahkota Parade, Dataran Pahlawan, A'Famosa, St Paul Church, etc. just took us only a few minutes. My daughter, Kamalia, seemed so happy when we went out for a walk that night. Perhaps, for her it was really a new and breathtaking encounter. She couldn't really describe her happiness in words, but her many smiles just said it all.The next day we rode the tricycle rickshaws (beca in Malay)..just for fun. I kept telling my husband to get the older becamen. Called me 'sensitive' if you want, but it really depressed me to see those pakcik-pakcik working very hard. At their ages, they should have proper rests, not spending their days under the hot sun, cycling around town with passengers. I asked that pakcik, 'tak penat ke?' (aren't you tired?) and he said, 'apa nak buat, dah terpaksa. Anak pakcik sorang jer yang dah kerja. Lagipun pakcik dah biasa.' (what can I do, I have to. I have only one kid who has just started working. Anyway, I am used to it.) Who says life is fair, eh?

Ooh..I forgot to tell you..the hotel had a Lion Dance show in the morning. I was so excited because I had always wanted to see a Lion Dance from beginning to end (kungfu movies are always my favourites..and kungfu movies almost always have those Lion or Dragon dances). I practically forced everybody to be back at the hotel on time and stayed at the lounge until the dance finished. I wished Jet Li was the one doing the dance. Hahaha. 'Not in a million years,' said my husband. Ooh, he was just jealous. My daughter managed to get an orange from the lion and she eventually became excited too. I whispered to my husband, 'trust me..the feeling was contagious, and people tended to become more and more excited as the music grew louder.'

Later, in the evening, we went to the zoo and we visited the ocean the next day. Then, suddenly ..poof..everything was over. I guess, when you had fun, time always seemed to fly very fast. Your life reluctantly turns back to its ordinary nature, following similar routines day after day...but silently it waits.. patiently..for yet another chance to become extraordinary once again!!

I Never Would Have Thought...

2008-01-24T22:47:00.000+08:00

Lately..I feel stressed over the unknown future and my inability (in my opinion) to perform up to my own high standard. As a result, I fail to view life as welcoming as I should have. And that redirects further to my frustration. These negative feelings seem to be wheeling around me..I feel myself drowning slowly...bit by bit. And out of a sudden..tonight..my thoughts were suddenly shifted back to the life I once had in Reading. I really dunno whether it was the fun times that had me thinking about the one place that I thought I had or rather would not miss, or was it the sadness and shed tears that brought back the memories. Of course I miss going for the shopping sprees at Next, etc. with my friends at 7am, or browsing through the racks in La Senza for cheap lingerie (hehe..when I say cheap..it was DIRT cheap..). On the other hand, I also miss the ride on my bike early in the morning, in the midst of winter..I miss my session of hazelnut hot chocolate with my friends when I feel sad..I miss running back to my house without any proper protections through hails and rains...I miss the very, very early morning chat that I had with my husband everyday, and I miss the excitement and the depressions I felt over the process of writing the thesis. I even miss the university guard that to me, looks like the chubby bad guy in Jurassic Park who had stolen the dinosaurs' DNA and cut the electricity in his effort to run away. He always made fun gestures to me and he smiled a lot. On top of all..I really miss missing my husband and my kids! People say that when you are far from your loved ones, the affections grow stronger each minute. Once together, the feelings are neutral cause sooner or later you tend to take those in front of you for granted. When I was in Reading, I sort of made a pact with myself to never set foot there again for the place brought me more sadness and tears than I had thought possible. I used to joke with my friends that my tears would be able to fill the seven barrels requested by Puteri Gunung Ledang. Little that I know how those tears affected me in the long run. Now it feels that somehow a part of me was left there. And no matter how hard I try, I doubt that I would ever find it again. So long, my friend.

My New Year's Resolution...

2008-01-21T20:21:00.000+08:00

Yeah..yeah..I know it's a bit late to discuss about my new year's resolution, but I can't seem to think of any before the new year. It was only after the second week of January when I suddenly had an interest in buying colorful accessories..mainly bracelets and rings. This new interest was sparked really when my husband bought me a ring for no occasion at all and told me so..very..implicitly that he wanted me to wear one to work. I suddenly realized that I have never ever worn any ring whatsoever when I went to work..I also always wear the same bracelet and necklace since the past 7 years..I think..(yeah..the timing was about right. I did buy a new bracelet a few years after I got married because I lost the one that my mom gave me..hehe). The reason for not changing my accessories is partly because I don't have the time..and as for the necklace..it was made for me by my mom and it has a pendant bearing my name in sort of a unique vertical design. You can't find that design now. That pendant has been with me since I was 2 years old. Of course that is not the reason not to wear another one. There are always longer necklaces now... Well..simply said..I was plain lazy..hahaha. Don't get me wrong though..I am not so out of date in terms of fashion..my wardrobe collections are okay, I guess. Now and then I got compliments from my colleagues and friends. But still I think some changes are due this new year. I should pamper myself a bit and spend more money now on accessories..like trying to match the color of my bracelets to my dresses and 'baju kurung.' Truthfully, I am not doing it to get more attention..it's just..it's for me..my own satisfaction, it is fun..and it makes me feel happy and confident when I face the world. So, why not?

Just the other day, I was teaching my students the importance of self praise and self recognition. I asked them whether they have ever muttered some kinds of praises to themselves when they did a good job in anything. The funny thing was...they never did! I remembered thinking..this was not possible. I talk to myself all the time..I praise myself almost everyday...hehe..not for the whole world to hear of course, but just for me. My thinking is simple..if nobody else is going to praise me..I might as well praise myself..if nobody else is proud of me..not to worry...I am always proud of ME...So, the bottom line is..if nobody cares about my new year's resolution of changing accessories...that's fine. As long as I care.... Happy New Year people!

New Semester, New Faces...

2007-12-26T09:55:00.000+08:00

The new semester has just begun last Monday. I saw a lot of new faces since then. Of course I only had a handful of students during that day (it was a day before Christmas..what did you expect, kan?).

Today seemed a bit better. Both my morning classes were almost full. It was kind of nice to have been able to teach after such a long rest. Tee commented that I looked much better today..like my normal self. And he said that perhaps my motivation at work came largely from my students. Surprisingly, I think he was right. Being able to share my knowledge with my students and being able to touch their lives no matter how little somehow makes me feel alive. I take pride with what some of them have achieved so far and I don't even mind if they have no recollection of me whatsoever in the future. Sounds funny, isn’t it?

Congratulations Keanice !!!

2007-11-29T15:55:00.001+08:00

Just heard the news...one of my best friends has just delivered a baby boy. Congratulations Keanice. We are so proud of you...

I have known Keanice for almost 12 years now. She has been a great friend since then. She is always there when I need her. Together with Kedda and Kasuma...we always find time to go shopping together, have coffee, etc. although all of us are normally busy up to the maximum especially Keddalah. Outstation memanjang.

This is Keanice's first child..and I am so excited for her. And I know the baby will be in good hands...kan Keanice kan? A future Valentino Rossi I heard.. Hehe. Take care...and love you....

Happy Birthday..to Us...

2007-11-29T15:32:00.001+08:00

A dedication to my husband actually....and all my love for him. And of course..a wish to myself. Hehe.

The Beauty of Failing...

2007-11-29T10:06:00.000+08:00

Hi there people! This is my first appearance after quite a long time. Some of my friends asked me why I didn't update my blog. Told them..I wish..but time seems to envy me. There are so many things to complete towards the end of 2007. But, of course some of the deadlines are mine. I was the one who insist on finishing some of my workload by December. In the end I was the one who are stressed over them. Hahaha. Serve me right!

On top of that, this week, there's a poster competition in UPM. It's where you put your research in a poster form and be judged. I did not win because the judge said my poster lacked statistical information. (I didn't put the analysis in the first place to save space. Guess my decision backfired. Syyy…) Once he said that, I know that my other poster would not win as well because it was based on qualitative data. Sah-sah takde statistical analysis. Never mind then..there is always next year, and the year after that, and the year after, etc...You need to think positive about failures..because if you play your cards well, your failures will lead to more successes. Give it a try if you don't believe me.

And next week our faculty will be having a seminar in Lumut. It's a chance to educate myself and also have fun with my friends. I hope the scenery will be breathtaking and the environment relaxing. My mind needs its rest...I need a rest. But, I am quite disappointed because my husband is not able to take a long leave to follow me to Damai Laut. There goes my chance to bring along my kids. They would have liked spending time in the pool. Tapi we're going away for a vacation right after that. I have a very packed schedule starting from next week until 12 December. Hmm..our birthdays (me and my husband) are slotted in between those days. Another year without celebration. Another year went by. Well...anyway..I wish myself and my husband a very happy birthday. Age is just a number..(a wink and a smile !)

Regarding My Family...

2007-10-26T14:51:00.000+08:00

"My four perasan hensem cousins..."

Raya is almost over! I had fun spending Raya with my family...we laughed, we took pictures, we did crazy things and the best part was when we looked at loads of albums with pictures from the past. Masa kecik-kecik dulu...hehehe. I did not dare to put the pictures here..censored! Now, life has been back to normal. Normal means tons of work!!! Plus the final exams are just behind the corner. On top of that my father was admitted to hospital last Monday. At first we thought it was a heart problem. But, after the tests had been run, it was a problem with the muscle instead. We were so relieved. I felt so sad watching him on the hospital bed everyday. I remembered myself wishing, 'let it be me instead.' I had the same wish whenever my children are sick. Daughter instinct? Mother instinct? I bet most of you have experienced similar feelings, right?

Well, I hope you have a nice Raya celebration too.. After this, it will be Deepavali and then Raya Haji and then Christmas..and then Chinese New Year. Wah, we are so lucky to be Malaysians.

"Kamalia with her Auntie Fatin..main jual-jual during Raya"

Regarding Hari Raya Wish...

2007-10-08T11:26:00.000+08:00

Personally, I wish Ramadhan will not end because that's when I really feel the happiness of celebrating Raya. By the time Raya arrives, the excitement will be gone. Of course when I was a child, Raya was everything..cause I got to eat all the kuih that I wanted, and I got to collect duit raya some more. But now, as I aged, I am the one who gives the duit raya, and prepare all the kuih and dishes...and on top of that I have to work. Waaaa....it is so tiring! People's expectations on me sometimes take all the fun away. Still, I hope for some happiness somewhere. I am going to celebrate Raya in my husband's hometown this year. They have a very big family. With almost 50 grandchildren and around 26 adults in one house during the first day of Raya..phew..you can just say that survival is for the fittest. Hahaha. Well, I'll be taking my leave starting this Wednesday. Therefore, I just want to wish everybody...my family members, my relatives, my friends, my colleagues, my students...a very happy Raya and maaf zahir batin. Take care.

Regarding Being Optimistic...

2007-09-27T12:24:00.000+08:00

"An optimist is someone who sees opportunity in every disaster. A pessimist is someone who sees disaster in every opportunity." (Sir Winston Churchill, 1954).

I have another version of viewing the two personalities. An optimist is a person who stops at nothing to succeed, a pessimist is a person who gives reasons for every failures. An interesting article in The Star recently stated that there are four level of optimism:
Level 1: Has a positive outlook. Expects favorable results from self and others.
Level 2: Is optimistic about the future. Demonstrates confidence and a sense of control over events.
Level 3: Is resilient. Has the ability to recover from setbacks.
Level 4: Learns from disappointments. Analyses setbacks to learn from them.
According to the article, successful leaders operate at the third level and above.

I always find this topic to be important because having to deal with students all the time, I realized that being pessimists can actually be the root to their problems. Many of them fail to sail through their academic years smoothly because they are pessimist individuals, not because they don't have the capabilities to do so. Whenever they didn't do well in any exams or project papers, they thought that it was the end of the world already. They don't understand that for many lecturers, their improvements in class are at times more important than their results. Anybody can score if they work hard enough, but not many can stand up again after a fall. To be an optimist, you have to first be proud of, and believe in yourself. I told my students they need to walk straight because that itself will reflect their confidence levels, right? I sometimes talk about my experiences to help boost up their morale...I also reward them for their achievements whenever possible. I told them that I will always view them highly in the beginning. It will be up to them to shape my opinions of them afterwards.

Logically, optimists will also carry themselves well in organizations. Therefore, in my opinion, it is very important for universities to generate competitive graduates who are not only excellent in their academic achievements, but who can also wade through obstacles and challenges successfully. What say you?

Regarding Mizzou Reunion...

2007-09-27T09:41:00.000+08:00

Last Saturday was quite a night! It started with Shahis suggesting a Ramadhan reunion for Mizzou graduates, surprisingly (even to me) at my house. In the beginning I thought it would be just a small group, but more and more people decided to come. In the end, almost all of us were there although one of our most active members was not able to come since she is currently doing her PhD in Birm. Nana, hope you will be in Malaysia next year. Sher, Juhe, Zeti, Widerk, Cek Nur, Mat Kie, Hazo, Sham, Faezah...mana you all? I haven't met some of you for a long time, and it was nice. Very, very nice. Food, tak payah nak cakaplah...banyak giler!!!! I had to make sure that I didn't forget to pack the food for you to tapau.

Although I didn't have the time to really enjoy myself during the reunion (cause there were so many things to do..), just having all of you around was good enough. After about 3 ½ years celebrating Ramadhan in Reading, it was so refreshing to be around familiar faces. Some of you came to the kitchen and asked me to rest and have fun. Not that I didn't want to, but it was impossiblelah. Hahaha. Anyway, I would like to thank all the girls (girls because they still look young to me..unlike the guys..emm..emm) who have been helping me kat dapur - Farha, Faiz, Zarin, Azua (imam Batak's wife), Pae, Mommeh, Kern..., and also some of the men who were also quite 'ringan tulang' (for cutting the watermelon and for giving us, the girls, some moral support) - Joe, Johnney..As for our imams..Wahab, Jaa, Batak, Jibam...mananye kata nak buat doa selamat? For those names that I didn't mention, thanks jugak for bringing all the food and drinks and for making this event possible.

I just can't imagine that almost 12 years have gone by since our paths crossed. Remember all the dinners that we organized (buying dresses and putting the price tags inside so that we can returned those dresses the next day), all the Raya celebrations (kuah kacang, nasi impit, sate - all home made, amazing!), the International Day where we danced (..and were scolded by some of the seniors on the same day) and prepared karipap to be distributed to the foreign students (cuma yang banyak makannye were us), the 'rollerblading', the 'lepak' in front of the library's Mc Donalds with a cup of hot choc, the hockey games. Oh..and not forgetting the time that me, Cek Nur, Widerk and Zeti spent at the President's house, sometimes with the White House occupants, to watch cerita P.Ramlee until late night (we were also subjected to a lecture on one of those nights..hmm..). We think the President's house occupants did that with all the juniors. Jual minyak. Those were the fun days. Even when the four of us had to cook for the Green house, the White house, and of course the President's house. I remembered one time during hujung bulan, we told the Green house members that we did not have enough food to cook for them (hoping that we could get away just that one time) and they told us never mind, they will bring us all the chicken, etc..all we had to do was cook for them. Hah! We finally agreed, kesian lak tengok, but we made them promised not to buy ayam katok. Hahaha. I really miss those times. I miss the Column, the Mall, even the small town of Columbia. I wish the next reunion kita buat kat Columbia..boleh tak? Sape boleh sponsor? Hehe.

Well, enough said. I hope we can keep having these reunions. In a few years to come, maybe we can do another one at my 'dream' house. I said 'dream' because the house does not even exist yet..only in my mind. Okay guys...thanks for coming, yah. Hope you had a good time.

Regarding Ramadhan...

2007-09-11T15:58:00.002+08:00

Well, well..pejam celik, pejam celik, this Thursday might be the beginning of Ramadhan already. It is soooo refreshing to be able to celebrate Ramadhan in Malaysia (although I do miss the fact that I can buka puasa at 3:30pm in Reading...), to be around my people.. my families, and friends during tarawikh, to enjoy different kinds of food for berbuka puasa (air sirap and selasih, air cincau), and to shop while fasting. My Romanian friend used to tell me last time that she was amazed of how much energy the Muslims have… why? Because we can shop without eating and drinking. I told her, sometimes I feel amazed myself. Hahaha! But, I guess fasting is normal for Muslims. The thing that makes Ramadhan different is not fasting (for me lah)..it is actually the combination of many..tarawikh, the continuous recitation of Quran, shopping, the fact that Hari Raya celebration is getting nearer, the sound of meriam buluh...don't you think so?

Seriously, for me, you have to be away to appreciate what you have here. Of course I admit that when I was doing my degree in Missouri, I thought, 'wow..living here is so much fun!' Rasa tak nak balik. But then, as I get older...I begin to understand that there's no place like homelah. I feel content living in Malaysia and I think you should too. I hope this Ramadhan would bring keberkatan to me and my family. I am sure it will be very meaningful to me and I want to take this opportunity to wish 'Selamat Menyambut Ramadhan' to all of you.

Regarding Freaking Out !!!

2007-09-04T20:56:00.000+08:00

I went to a workshop today which was meant to assist us in writing our research and publishing them in top journals, etc. I had presented my draft and the moment the feedbacks came pouring in, I completely freaked out!! I guess it never occurred to me that publishing my work would be that difficult. The worst (for me lah) is to compress a 3½-year work into a 30-page (or less) journal. Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God...Of course this will not stop me from trying my best, it is a challenge instead, but somehow the uncertainty level has risen a bit. Sob! Sob! The question that has been ringing inside my head is this..'Am I gud enuf?'

Regarding Interview...

2007-08-30T14:25:00.000+08:00

I had an interview this morning for the post of a lecturer because I had gone to further my study under a tutor scheme. Since they said it was just for formality, 4 of the tutors from my faculty were interviewed simultaneously. We had a good discussion and I just want to share some of the things mentioned. We were told that as academicians in a research university, one of our responsibilities is of course to teach. But lecturers' main task is only to facilitate learning, not spoon-feed the students. I know students will be frustrated to hear this, but it is actually necessary to prepare them for the outside world. Students need to learn to be independent. Believe me, it is for your own good.

The second thing is we have to participate actively in research activities by publishing our work (the more the better..), not just presenting in conferences. We need to start climbing the hill immediately so that we would be able to reach the top (being awarded full professors) as soon as possible. Publications would enhance our credibility in the research world.

Finally we have to provide services like consultancies, etc if required.

The interviewer stressed on the importance of working passionately. With passion comes determination, and with determination, comes success. He said we should enjoy doing what we chose to do (unless we don't intend to be academicians in the first place).

Coming out of the Bilik Sidang (the room where we had our interview), I began to judge myself. Do I have the passion? Do I have the determination? Do I have the time? For me, time is my biggest obstaclelah...but I know I have the required passion and determination. The only thing that I am not sure is whether my passion and determination are enough. Hmm..I guess I just have to strive hard to meet the expectations. So, pray for me people and wish me luck...

Regarding UPM 31st Convocation Ceremony...

2007-08-29T19:25:00.000+08:00

Yesterday at 2pm, some of the junior staffs of the Faculty of Economics and Management were invited (emm...I think forced is a better choice of word..hehehe) to attend the 31st Convocation Ceremony of UPM including me. Actually, I was quite excited when I got the invitation. You see, I was not able to attend my PhD graduation in Reading last time because I just couldn't stand to prolong my stay there. It was so depressing. And of course there was the money factor (the airline fuel charge has increased dramatically since 2003, and accommodation in Reading is very, very expensive especially after the football team has managed to compete in the Premiership league). Why use up so much money just for a day of graduation? I figured it wouldn't be memorable anyway without my husband and my kids. Sadly, I was also not able to go for my Masters graduation in Malaysia because it took place just a month after my departure to Reading (again...plane ticket was soooo expensive!). So, my only memory of graduation was just for my Bachelor Degree in Missouri-Columbia, USA. But, it was also my best (cause that's where I met my husband...in Columbia...hehehe).

Anyway, going back to the original point...it was quite nice actually to be able to walk into the Dewan Besar with my PhD graduation gown. For the first time since I graduated, I feel proud of myself. But with pride, comes sadness. I would be lying to you if I say all the sacrifices mean nothing to me. Still, deep in my heart I do believe that everything would not be in vain.

As I looked at the graduates walking down the aisle, I prayed for them to never stop believing in themselves. Remember, you set your own limitations. It will be you who ought to remove them. So, for all the graduates, I wish you the very best of luck in your future. ‘Ingat, berjalan mesti ke hadapan...' Congratulations!

Regarding PhD...

2007-08-24T12:57:00.001+08:00

My 'PhD' daughter; Kamalia....

I have a student coming to see me last time who was overly impressed of my achievements. And what I told her was simple.. ‘you need not be a genius to do a PhD, what you need is just determination.’ And I think confidence.

Frankly speaking..I never thought about furthering my study this far. Even when I was in TKC, I never know for sure what I wanna be. I was never the ambitious one there. I was busy with my handball, netball, etc. Looking back at my grades there..ouchh..that’s a very sensitive issue...definitely very bad as compared to all my friendslah especially Elma (she was TKC's best student for both SRP and SPM for our batch). I am sure none of my teachers back then remember me. Hmm..and my mom refused to believe that me and Elma were quite close just because our results differed..big time! Years back, my main aim was to get thru SPM, get my degree and work. But, after graduation, after I started working, little by little, my perceptions changed. I wanted to work..true..but I wanted the time to be flexible. I wanted to learn and at the same time be given opportunities to move up the ladder without any restrictions. I wanted freedom in completing my work. So, I applied to work as a lecturer and was lucky to be accepted as well. The rest is historylah..

To me, there's nothing fancy about getting my PhD (although I did manage to get another daughter throughout the process…hehe). I am still me. Yes, it's an achievement especially when I have to tolerate struggling to end it alone without my husband and my kids for 3 ½ years, when I have to lead a life that was full of ups and downs (one phone call a day to Malaysia and a few pages of Quran reading kept me sane). But the moment I passed my viva...I just didn't feel a thing. Until now pun, I still feel kind of numb. When they sent me my certificate, I kept wondering..‘all those hardships and tears just for this piece of paper?’ Funny, isn't it?

Regarding OGA Dinner...

2007-08-17T14:51:00.000+08:00

Last Saturday was quite memorable for me. It was the Annual Dinner for MGC/TKC OGA members. I have been a member for quite some time, but I never had the chance to participate in any of the events because I was away, studying for my PhD. Now that I am back, I thought.. hmm..dinner..why not. Although I did not know most of the people attending the dinner, the bond was clearly there...we were all ex-TKCians after all (except for the husbands and the royal guests of course..) and we know it. We've been to the same school and subjected to the same experience. Most of us talked about the past rather than the present. Somehow the past seemed to be more significant for the occasion. Some of us haven't had the chance to meet for the last 16 years. The grand ballroom was so noisy of the members’ chit chatting that even the famous Mahathir Lokman had trouble in organizing the event. And it was fun to see the prominent members of the school talked about similar experiences during the multimedia presentation. Some common topics include the 'nasi kawah,' 'nasi daging' and 'ikan jeket.' There were also talks about house keeping that every one of us were required to do every weekend. About having to wake up very early in the morning to serve for breakfast, the fight for nice breads for the seniors, the rule of one finger when arranging the coffee cup. About being lectured by seniors. About all our pet sisters, 'cobweb,' 'toeng,' 'friends..' About the teachers..the things we did during April Fool...hahaha. Well, hope the friendships remain...as long as the students keep singing the song...

"Kolej Tunku Kurshiah,

Kolej ulung di negara Malaysia,

Kami pelajar bersumpah,

Akan teguh patuh memeliharanya..

Kolej Tunku Kurshiah,

Kolej mulia berjasa,

Moga-moga Tuhan memberi rahmatnya,

Sentosa Kolej Tunku Kurshiah!"

Toodles!

Regarding Introduction...

2007-08-15T21:25:00.000+08:00

This is me writing on my second blog actually. My first one was created solely for the purpose of releasing the tensions that I felt while dragging myself to finish my PhD. This second attempt is hoped to provide a platform for discussions..on..well..on anything and everything. For those who have supported me throughout the journey cited in my last blog, thank you very much. For those who have just joined me for my upcoming journey...it's a pleasure...