Friday, May 20, 2011

A Journey without Regrets.

I was born ambitious and resilient. And I am always determined to overcome the hurdles that I face. I am never happy when life is mundane. I cannot tolerate my days when they are to be the same routine with little variety. I guess that is one of the many reasons why I continuously forced myself to plough the road and keep moving forward even though at times the journey was painful. That is also why I sacrificed my feelings to do my Ph.D. That is why I drove myself to the hospital to deliver my son. That is why I never say ‘no’ when a task is presented to me. I don’t like to be seen as weak. In addition, I also don’t like to trouble people except my husband as I believe that I am part of him when he took me as his wife. Other times, if I suffer, I prefer to suffer alone.

For the past few years, I worked hard to ensure that I stand equal to others at the expense of my family and my health. Even though I was at home, my mind continued to think about work. When I played with my kids, I was actually thinking of the deadlines that I needed to meet. My heart was always full of anger as I felt forced to do many things simultaneously.

It was not until this one rainy day, as I was driving home that it suddenly dawned on me - as much as I wanted to be successful in life, it would not matter if I fail my family. As a wife, and a mother, I have a far bigger responsibility on my shoulder, one that will last me a lifetime. I am not saying that I will become a great wife, or an excellent mother, but I want to believe that I at least try.

So, on that particular day, I came to the realization that I now needed to prioritize my life. I begin to accept the fact that I am not young and single anymore. Time is not on my side. I am a mother of four and my children’s futures depend on me. Of course, my career is still important. But I learn to be patience. I learn to be able to take one step at a time. I learn not to be very competitive. I now read books like Chicken Soup for the Soul to remind me of what I already have in my life. As much as possible, I try to minimize the work that I bring home especially on weekends. I get involve with my children’s homework and activities. I teach them to see different perspectives in life. I train myself to work hard and also play hard. Of course, sometimes it is very difficult to get a good balance. Still, I believe in the long run it is going to be worth it. I once discovered this quotation – ‘You cannot find peace by avoiding life.’ In life, we make choices. We then have to live with the consequences of those choices. As much as I want to succeed, as much as I want to be on the top of the world, I want more for the journey to be without regrets.