12 January 2015; 8:31pm
My dearest Hazim;
On the day that you were born, I looked at you and I said, ‘thank you Ya Allah for this little bundle of joy.’ I thought that I would never be able to leave your side. But as usual, fate had different plans for me. I had to go. Both me and abah had decided that it would be best if I went alone. I still remembered the night at the airport. Abah and Yasmin accompanied me to the UK, but they stayed only for a week. Still the gesture managed to relieve some of the pain that I felt deep in my heart. You were barely reaching 2-years old then. I knew you might not even realize what was happening. Stepping away from you that night was one of the hardest things that I had to do in my life. Guilt crept into my soul. I am your mother, and yet I had chosen not to be with you. But know this Hazim..you were always in my thoughts every step of my PhD journey. And I have always treasured your sacrifice even though you were never in the position of knowing what you did for me during that time.
Hazim, you have always been a good friend to me. Dependable and always willing to accompany me whenever needed, be it early in the morning or late at night. Even when it was not your name being called, most often you would be the one responding. I will always appreciate that. I am going to miss you so much. And I know that I am going to cry a lot these next few days. However, to deny you the chance to step out of your nest and get a taste of this world, that will be selfish on my part. And therefore, as much as I want to keep you close by my side, I have to let you go. I do not know how long I will be around to protect you. Because of that, you will have to learn on your own how to be strong and resilient so that you are able to stand firm as things get tough. You are the eldest son in the family and I am counting on you to take care of your brother and sisters. I trust that you can do this.
You and me…we have so much in common. Loving you is easy. You seem to follow my footsteps in so many ways. We even behave similarly – we are easily angered, aren’t we? You might miss my nagging at times..Hehe.
Hazim, life in a boarding school is going to be challenging. So, you must be adamant in what you have set to do. Once you are in a race, you will have to finish it. Be true to yourself. Trust your heart and instincts. When you feel sad, or frustrated, read the Quran. And while you are at it, read the meanings too. The Quran opens with the word Iqra’ – Read.
“Recite in the name of your Lord who created - Bacalah (wahai Muhammad) dengan nama Tuhanmu yang menciptakan (sekalian makhluk)”. And so Hazim, do read. Have faith that Allah will help me protect you in ways that I can never do. I will always be a step behind you.
“Anak, ibumu tiada ringgit untuk diberi tanpa kau perlu bersusah,
Anak ibumu tiada harta yang bakal meneduhi mu kelak,
Di hati ibumu hanya punya doa dan kasih…
Anak, ibumu tidak akan selamanya di sisimu…membelai dan melindungi,
Kuatlah kamu, cekallah kamu,
Jika hatimu sakit, ingatlah, sabar itu kan separuh dari iman,
Kasih ibu wahai anakku..membawa ke syurga.”