I Never Would Have Thought...

Lately..I feel stressed over the unknown future and my inability (in my opinion) to perform up to my own high standard. As a result, I fail to view life as welcoming as I should have. And that redirects further to my frustration. These negative feelings seem to be wheeling around me..I feel myself drowning slowly...bit by bit. And out of a sudden..tonight..my thoughts were suddenly shifted back to the life I once had in Reading. I really dunno whether it was the fun times that had me thinking about the one place that I thought I had or rather would not miss, or was it the sadness and shed tears that brought back the memories. Of course I miss going for the shopping sprees at Next, etc. with my friends at 7am, or browsing through the racks in La Senza for cheap lingerie (hehe..when I say cheap..it was DIRT cheap..). On the other hand, I also miss the ride on my bike early in the morning, in the midst of winter..I miss my session of hazelnut hot chocolate with my friends when I feel sad..I miss running back to my house without any proper protections through hails and rains...I miss the very, very early morning chat that I had with my husband everyday, and I miss the excitement and the depressions I felt over the process of writing the thesis. I even miss the university guard that to me, looks like the chubby bad guy in Jurassic Park who had stolen the dinosaurs' DNA and cut the electricity in his effort to run away. He always made fun gestures to me and he smiled a lot. On top of all..I really miss missing my husband and my kids! People say that when you are far from your loved ones, the affections grow stronger each minute. Once together, the feelings are neutral cause sooner or later you tend to take those in front of you for granted. When I was in Reading, I sort of made a pact with myself to never set foot there again for the place brought me more sadness and tears than I had thought possible. I used to joke with my friends that my tears would be able to fill the seven barrels requested by Puteri Gunung Ledang. Little that I know how those tears affected me in the long run. Now it feels that somehow a part of me was left there. And no matter how hard I try, I doubt that I would ever find it again. So long, my friend.

My New Year's Resolution...

Yeah..yeah..I know it's a bit late to discuss about my new year's resolution, but I can't seem to think of any before the new year. It was only after the second week of January when I suddenly had an interest in buying colorful accessories..mainly bracelets and rings. This new interest was sparked really when my husband bought me a ring for no occasion at all and told me so..very..implicitly that he wanted me to wear one to work. I suddenly realized that I have never ever worn any ring whatsoever when I went to work..I also always wear the same bracelet and necklace since the past 7 years..I think..(yeah..the timing was about right. I did buy a new bracelet a few years after I got married because I lost the one that my mom gave me..hehe). The reason for not changing my accessories is partly because I don't have the time..and as for the necklace..it was made for me by my mom and it has a pendant bearing my name in sort of a unique vertical design. You can't find that design now. That pendant has been with me since I was 2 years old. Of course that is not the reason not to wear another one. There are always longer necklaces now... Well..simply said..I was plain lazy..hahaha. Don't get me wrong though..I am not so out of date in terms of fashion..my wardrobe collections are okay, I guess. Now and then I got compliments from my colleagues and friends. But still I think some changes are due this new year. I should pamper myself a bit and spend more money now on accessories..like trying to match the color of my bracelets to my dresses and 'baju kurung.' Truthfully, I am not doing it to get more attention..it's just..it's for me..my own satisfaction, it is fun..and it makes me feel happy and confident when I face the world. So, why not?

Just the other day, I was teaching my students the importance of self praise and self recognition. I asked them whether they have ever muttered some kinds of praises to themselves when they did a good job in anything. The funny thing was...they never did! I remembered thinking..this was not possible. I talk to myself all the time..I praise myself almost everyday...hehe..not for the whole world to hear of course, but just for me. My thinking is simple..if nobody else is going to praise me..I might as well praise myself..if nobody else is proud of me..not to worry...I am always proud of ME...So, the bottom line is..if nobody cares about my new year's resolution of changing accessories...that's fine. As long as I care.... Happy New Year people!