A Mother's Fear.

In the past few weeks, in mostly every parts of the world, people are talking about Influenza A, H1N1. As a mother, it used to scare me very, very much for fear that it would attack any or all my children. It is always a mother’s nature to protect their children and to constantly worry about them. Why? Well, mainly because the children have been in my womb for 9 months. The bonds are simply unbreakable. The bonds are not easy to describe. If you are a mother, you would know by heart. As for me, I would rather have the virus attacking me rather than them. Simply because I don’t want them to suffer. I would rather suffer the pain on behalf of them. Come to think of it, I would rather suffer the pain even for my husband or my parents for they are also the most important people in my life. In fact my children, my husband and my parents are my life. Without them, I have nothing.

I was planning to go to Turkey for a conference in the third week of Ramadhan. It was funny to think that in the beginning I was actually very worried if I were to contract the virus there and spread it to my family. Fate obviously had taken a different turn. My eldest daughter was found positive of the virus last Monday. Chances are she got it from school. There have been issues where parents keep sending their sick children to school so that they can continue to go to work. Upon receiving the news, I felt like my heart just dropped. I couldn’t think straight for a while and I remembered my hands were shaking. Since I am just only a philosophical doctor and not a medical doctor (which at that moment I wished I should have been), my information about the virus comes only from what I read or hear in the papers and the news. And other extra information that I have just came from my assumptions and my paranoia over the unknown and the unthinkable. Having my husband in Brunei did not help the situation at all. But I know I had to be brave. This was not the time for me to panic. I kept reminding myself that qada’ and qadar di tangan Allah. I wanted to cry on my way home, but I couldn’t. So I prayed for her safety and I prayed for her to be well again instead. I was desperate to reach her, but my Waja did not seem to be able to move fast enough. When I finally arrived home, I barely had the time to think. I had to start the quarantine process, and had to take all the safety measures to make sure that the virus would not spread to others especially my other three children. I had to be calm for Yasmin and it was very difficult to do that. I didn’t want her to see how worried I was. The first few days when she still had her fever and cough and cold altogether, I had to monitor her closely especially for difficulties in breathing or continuous high fever. Luckily none of those happened.

Yasmin is now in the process of recovering. Today is her 6th day of quarantine and tomorrow will be her last. She seems to be in a stable condition. I have been working on and off since day one and have taken emergency leaves until the weekend. My husband also manages to do the same. He had come home earlier for Yasmin, and also for me. To my friends who are both medical doctors, thank you for your guidance. The knowledge that you shared with me helps me to be calm and prepared. To my colleagues who have been supporting me continuously, who have been concerned for Yasmin until now, and who have made this difficult journey somewhat easier for me, thank you so much. I owe you one. One thing that I can tell you though, having to go though this, to have experienced dealing with it face-to-face, somehow manage to reduce the level of fear that I had over this virus. The unknown now become a little bit known. I also realize that we can only pray and take precautions, but the rest is all up to Allah. I love you Yasmin.

A Song to Remember.

The date was 24 May 2008. Hazim (my first son) was 6 years old. He did his pre-school at Tabika Kemas Sungai Sekamat. One day, his teacher selected him to sing in a Nasyid competition. There were about 10 students chosen for that competition. The morning of the competition, I almost didn’t make it on time to see him performed because I lost my way. Luckily when I finally arrived, he was just starting. I was so proud seeing him with his first complete purple ‘baju Melayu.’ He looked so happy to see me. Later, I learned from the teacher that before I came, he was the only student not accompanied by a parent. I felt so guilty. In the midst of his performance, I remembered thinking… ‘he is no more my baby. My baby has grown up.’ Somehow the song chosen by the teacher really touched my heart deeply. I always like the song anyway. To hear it sung by my son was such a blessing. To me the song is a very powerful song. It is a song created from the heart. It is a song that reminds me how fleeting my life is. That my days on earth are numbered. That life is just a journey, not a destination. The song that Hazim sang on that day was ‘Pergi Tak Kembali.’

Pergi Tak Kembali
Artist: Rabbani

Setiap insan pasti merasa

Saat perpisahan terakhir

Dunia yang fana akan ditinggalkan

Hanya amalan yang dibawa

Terdengar sayup surah dibaca

Sayunya alunan suara

Cemas di dada...lemah tak bermaya

Terbuka hijab di depan mata

Selamat tinggal pada semua

Berpisahlah kita selamanya

Kita tak sama nasib di sana

Baikkah atau sebaliknya

Amalan dan takwa jadi bekalan

Sejahtera bahagia pulang...ke sana

Sekujur badan berselimut putih

Rebah bersemadi sendiri

Mengharap kasih anak dan isteri

Apa mungkin pahala dikirim

Terbaring sempit seluas pusara

Soal-bicara terus bermula

Sesal dan insaf tak berguna lagi

Hancurlah jasad dimamah bumi

Berpisah sudah segalanya

Yang tinggal hanyalah kenangan

Diiring doa dan air mata

Yang pergi takkan kembali lagi

Rabbani lead singer dies

2009/08/13
KUALA LUMPUR: Asri Ibrahim, leader and lead singer of popular nasyid group Rabbani, died of heart attack yesterday. He was 40. He had collapsed at a press conference for RTM's Syahadah programme at Angkasapuri. He was rushed to Pantai Medical Centre, where he was pronounced dead at 11am. Asri, also a renowned motivational speaker in schools and universities, is survived by wife Haliza Shahadan, 39, and six children.Asri was born on Aug 3, 1969 in Klang, Selangor. With his nasyid group Rabbani, he had been at the forefront in popularising the nasyid genre in the country by introducing a new sound that incorporated modern beats. Rabbani has released 17 albums and won numerous awards for its inspirational music and songs. Among its best-known albums are Pergi Tak Kembali (1999), Intifada (2000), Yalla Beena (2004).

Al-fatihah…

‘Aku adalah pengejar syurga akhirat,bagiku dunia ini adalah tempat mempersiapkan segala sesuatu untuk meraih syurga akhirat;aku yakin bahawa syurga akhirat tidak akan pernah dapat aku raih kecuali aku boleh menikmati syurga dunia terlebih dahulu.Maka rumah dan keluargaku adalah syurga dunia paling indah buatku. Tempat kerja syurga dunia harianku. Tetangga, masyarakat,dan bangsa adalah syurga duniaku yang lebih luas.Ke manapun dan sampai bila-bila pun syurgaku selalu bersamaku..’ Asri Rabbani

Blast from the Past.

Terkenang zaman dulu-dulu...a short story written when I was in Form 2, "DEMI YANG TERSAYANG."

Dalam keindahan petang, aku melangkahkan kaki ke satu lorong kecil yang maha kotor lagi busuk. Suasana di persekitaran senyap sekali. Hanya derap sepatuku menghasilkan irama-irama sumbang. Namun walaupun begitu setidak-tidaknya ia berjaya mengurangkan keresahan yang sedang bergolak di dalam jiwaku. Kalau diikutkan hati mahu rasanya aku lari dari tempat ini tetapi demi orang yang ku sayang ku tahan jua. Sebentar kemudian aku tiba di sebuah bilik kecil. Pintunya dicat merah tetapi warna asal tersebut sudah mula merekah, meninggalkan tompok-tompok hitam yang menjijikkan. Cendawan bermaharajalela di bahagian bawahnya. Di sebelah kiri terdapat sebuah longkang yang dipenuhi sampah-sarap besar dan kecil. Bau busuk dan hanyir kuat menusuk hidungku. Aku seakan-akan lemas rasanya .

Tanpa menunggu lebih lama ku ketuk pintu itu. Senyap. Sejurus kemudian ketukanku bergema lagi namun masih tiada jawapan. Lantas ku tolak pintu buruk itu. Berkeriut bunyinya. Bilik kecil itu hanya berukuran 15 meter persegi sahaja .Tiada perabot, tiada hiasan. Hanya sekeping tikar usang penyeri lantai hitam yang kotor. Di satu sudut terdapat sebuah gelas yang telah retak, sebuah pinggan sumbing dan cerek yang bocor manakala di suatu sudut yang lain sehelai sejadah dan kain dilipat kemas. Dindingnya cuma dihiasi sebuah songkok hitam yang telah pudar warnanya. Ku halakan pula pandanganku ke atas. Atap zink itu sudah berlubang-lubang. Kalau hujan kiranya pasti ia menyerbu masuk menghentam tubuhmu yang kesejukan. Oh, daifnya kehidupan bagi yang empunya bilik ini! Berbeza sekali dengan pangsapuri mewah milik ibu, banglo dua tingkat kebanggaan ayah dan chalet-chalet sewaan mereka. Aku akhirnya duduk melepaskan penat. Kenangan tiga tahun lalu menghimbau kembali diingatanku .

~~~~~~

Esok keputusan SPM akan diumumkan. Malam itu ku lihat kau resah sahaja. Aku tidak hairan jika tidurmu malam itu tidak lena.

Waktunya tiba, kau pergi dengan seribu debaran di hati. Tetapi malangnya kau gagal mempertahankan status kebanggaan keluarga. Ibu sudah sedia menanti tika kau pulang. Nombor yang tertera di atas gulungan kertasmu nampaknya semakin membuatkan ibu geram. Pangkatmu hanya 3. Aku tidak tahu mengapa ibu marah benar sedangkan dia sendiri tahu yang kau telah berusaha sedaya upayamu. Kau bersengkang mata setiap malam hanya untuk mengulangkaji pelajaranmu. Kau juga sanggup berhenti dari segala aktivitimu di sekolah walhal aku tahu kau amat cenderung dalam sukan. Kau pernah mengatakan bahawa sukan itu duniamu. Ibu sepatutnya menenangkan hatimu bukannya memukul atau menghalau kau keluar dari rumah! Setahuku ibu hanyalah ibu tiri kita. Apa hak ibu untuk menghalau kau dari rumahmu? Sesungguhnya aku amat kesal kerana gagal menghalang kehendak ibu. Sakit akibat pukulan ibu turut aku rasakan. Cemuhan ibu terhadapmu juga memedihkan hatiku. Aku benci ibu! Tetapi kau tenang sahaja. Malahan kau menasihatkanku supaya jangan ingkar akan kata-kata ibu. Betapa murninya hatimu bang.

Kau pergi hanya berbekalkan wang simpananmu yang pada firasatku hanya 500 ringgit sahaja. Aku yakin wang sebanyak itu tidak dapat menampung kehidupanmu di dunia yang serba mencabar ini. Maafkan aku kerana tidak dapat membantumu. Hanya airmataku mengiringi pemergianmu.

Tiga hari selepas peristiwa itu ayah pulang. Sebaik sahaja mengetahui perkara yang telah terjadi, ayah terus berusaha mencarimu tetapi hampa. Sejak itu rumah yang dahulunya riuh dengan gelak tawa kita dua beradik kini berwajah mendung. Hari-hari yang ku lalui amat membosankan. Sementara itu, sikap ayah terhadap ibu adalah dingin sekali. Ayah hanya menegur ibu bila perlu sahaja. Syukur alhamdulillah, akhirnya ibu insaf .

Setahun kemudian aku menduduki peperiksaan SPM. Aku berazam untuk berjaya dengan cemerlangnya dan sekaligus menebus kegagalan kau dahulu. Dengan kehendak Illahi, impianku menjadi nyata. Kejayaan ini kembali mengingatkan aku kepadamu. Lalu dengan itu ku teruskan usaha yang terbengkalai dahulu. Ku temui rakan-rakan sekelasmu dengan senjuta harapan namun nasib nampaknya masih belum menyebelahiku. Tidak seorang pun di antara mereka yang tahu di mana kau. Aku tidak putus asa dan mula menapakkan kaki ke Rumah-rumah Kebajikan Masyarakat serta Pusat-pusat Pemulihan Dadah. Malangnya kau tidak pernah ke tempat-tempat seperti itu.

Malam 3 Mac, sesungguhnya amat bererti buatku. Secara tidak sengaja aku bertemu dengan Khairul, rakan karibmu dulu. Ku pujuk dia supaya memberitahuku di mana kau berada kerana ku pasti dia tahu. Pada mulanya dia enggan tetapi setelah melihatkan kesungguhanku akhirnya satu persetujuan dicapai. Aku tiba di lorong ini …

~~~~~~~

Pintu merah itu berbunyi laksana ditolak. Aku tersentak. Lamunanku terhenti. Seorang pemuda masuk membawa sebungkus nasi. Wajahnya cengkung tidak bermaya. Mungkin kerana kerja berat. Matanya membayangkan seribu persoalan. Aku kematian kata-kata. Hanya senyuman berbunga dan mutiara penghiasnya.

“Abang !” akhirnya keluar juga ucapan itu. Dia mula mengerti. Serta-merta wajah tampan yang layu itu kembali bercahaya.

“Dik!”

~Tamat~