I Am Who I Am

Today, I received the result of a personality test that I once did a few months back. Among the describing words of my personality are ‘influential, persuasive, confident, friendly, self-starter, decisive, mobile, active, alert, opinionated, persistent, and independent.’ The descriptions sound fair to me. With these kinds of traits, you might want to ask me why I am not yet an Associate Professor (AP). Believe me when I said that sometimes I do wonder about it myself. In a world that is so full of competitions, how can I not? But if you think deeper, you would find that the decision is really not mine to make. If Allah would have wanted it to happen, it would have, and not a second sooner, not a second later. Throughout the course of my life, Verse 82 in Surah Ya-Sin (Chapter 36) in which it was said - “Surely His Command, when He wills a thing, is only to say to it: Be! ("kun!" !كن), and it is! (fayakun فيكن)” - have given me a reason not to feel depressed when things do not go my way. So, when Husny died of a lung cancer before finishing his Ph.D., I take it as a sign that it is still not time yet for me to move up the ladder. The thing that we crave may not be the best thing for us. Doesn’t that phrase sound familiar to you? Oh, well, ever since I was young, success never comes to me easily. I always had to study or work twice as much just to stand equal with the others. Over time, I kind of get used to it. I hope my belief will continue to give me the strength I need to withstand all the challenges that I have to endure in this life. I would like to continue believing that not getting my AP does not make me a failure. Not getting a good number of ISI journals does not make me a failure. Not getting a huge research grant does not make me a failure. On the contrary, losing my focus in my teaching is going to make me a failure. And failing to contribute back to the industry or the society is going to make me a failure. People can judge me anyway they want. But if you are my friend, stand by me.

‘I don’t want them to change me….turn me into something I am not.’ Peeta Mellark – The Hunger Games.

Note: This piece is only my judgment on myself. It is not my right to judge others.